It appears those who voted against gay marriage in Maine will get medical marijuana to treat their affliction of hatred & ignorance.

Northwest Airlines co-pilot says they weren't arguing or napping when they missed the airport by 150 miles. Only 1 explanation left: sex.

That Oprah is a very wise woman. She's giving herself an entire year to spend all of her money before the end of the world in 2012.

My favorite new expression: "I couldn't give a shit if I ate cheese for a week."

Way to go Bill Clinton. I knew he was the right man to get two women released!

Is it Creed or Nickelback that I'm supposed to loathe?

Oh, both.

So, there's going to be a Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Will it be subtitled into English?

It's bad enough the cat is flexible enough to reach his own balls, but I don't think it's necessary for him to gloat about it.

Old people should have to go through an application process before being allowed to use computers or bottles filled with pancake syrup.

Apparently, God didn't care for my tweet complaining about the Heat Index. Moments after I posted, he cut the power off.

Well played, Sir.

Bill Clinton must be so jealous of Al Gore right now.

So, the space shuttle returned to Earth today. The economy must be improving if folks are coming from outer space for Black Friday.

There's nothing quite like a 2a.m. cock-punch from a cat to ruin the 1st good night's sleep in weeks.

When I grow up I hope I'm cool enough to be invited to a secret tweet-up. Only so I can decline the invitation.

Texas State School Board wants books that list Barack Obama as a candidate for President & not President. Take Okla. w/you on the way out.

Lou Dobbs is absolutely unnecessary. Lou Dobbs is a clear and present danger.

West Coast Spoiler alert:

At the end of the opening ceremonies, they light a giant cauldron.

Broke the Cardinal rule of never asking a woman when is her baby due. I really pissed that guy off.

Kikkoman now makes a lime soy sauce called Ponzu. I'm not falling for another Ponzu scheme I don't care how yummy it is.

A lot of people are excited about the release of the beta version of Microsoft Office 2010 I hope the nation's suicide hotlines are prepared