Driving a Jeep in this wind is a bit like trying to drive a sail that’s come detached from the boat. #notfun

hey #canton #baltimore: friend found dog @ potomac & baltimore st; no tags. call 410-456-8926 if you recognize #lostdog http://t.co/6o1CGOwQ

dear droid phone spellcheck: when i type "fucking" i PROMISE you i didn't mispell "ducking" ... #smartphonemyass

if you say “valentimes” and don’t see an issue with it i’ll assume you have a pretty hefty collection of velcro shoes.

hey #canton #baltimore: dog found @ potomac & baltimore st; no tags. call 410-456-8926 if you know … (new pic) #lostdog http://t.co/4HasKiba

sometimes i hope that i’m actually sam beckett trying to put things right that once went wrong & hoping my next leap will be the leap … home

if you see me w/ my headphones on, diligently working, fucking PLEASE don’t tap my desk to get my attention JUST to say “good morning” #cunt

tip: if you burn yourself tomorrow on fireworks, rub some butter or margarine on your wounds ... heals them right up & makes them delicious!

rules for the pillow/blanket fort: 1) no farting 2) no candles 3) no pillow fights (unless in another room—we don’t want structural damage)

dear people that have a signature on text messages: just stop.

- s

sponsor me for #ExtraLife (10/20/12)!  http://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=29225 … all donations are 100% tax deductible & go to @hopkinskids. Help me help kids!

i’m thankful i have a job … i just wish most of my coworkers didn’t …

if the astronauts can vote from space today, YOU have no excuse to not vote! #GoVote

personal fireworks in dundalk = it's all fun and games until someo--TUCKER LOST HIS HAND!! OMG BECKY'S HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!!!

i think for a royal wedding gift, i'll wrap this box of fucks that i don't give and mail it ... i hope they'll all fit ...

hey @itsbeccalecca … #CrabbyTights!

ok, LITTLE BIT DRUNK pic.twitter.com/t9pkKDBqBK

SO many people at safeway buying valentines shit … be ready for some safeway flowers and chocolates, ladies #AlmostGasStationFlowers

@theclj @that_biz chicken with eggs freaks me out … that’s like fucking a woman with her kids watching …

also, yes autocorrect, i want to change “appointment” to “app ointment” … #SmartPhone?