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I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison."
My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
The Cracker Barrel is where we store our extra white people.
"Say backpack, muthafucka! Say backpack one more goddamn time! I dare ya muthafucka!" - Samuel L. Jackson as Dora the Explorer.
Just watched the dog drink from the toilet, then lick the wife in her face. Didn't... Say... Shit.
Just watched my dog make this Pillow Pet her bitch.
If it were even possible to O.D. on marijuana, I think we would have to redefine "blunt trauma."
Drank a pot of coffee and two Monster Energy Drinks... Pretty sure if I orgasm right now it would sound like a gunshot.
Right now, I'm pretending to take a shit so my wife will stop asking me to "help out."
Just once, I want to see a psychiatrist prescribe a blowjob for depression. Seriously, who could be sad after that?
Daughter asked me what "ejaculate" means. Told her it's when pilots abandon their jets. Still not ready to cross that bridge.
If opinions are like assholes, then I just watched this hooker shove a beer bottle into her opinion.
Going to my niece's wedding Saturday. Hope my brother wears his "church teeth."
Writing my wife a love poem. What rhymes with "anus?"
If men could get pregnant, I'm sure there would be an abortion clinic located beside every soda machine.
Judging by his teeth, I would theorize that Steve Buscemi's diet consists mostly of nickels.
Son asked me what "gay apparel" was... Told him assless Chaps and Birkenstocks.
Trying to potty train the baby. Are we still rubbing their nose in it?
Follow me if you like tweets tighter than Precious' jeggings!