"Who ever died of a broken heart?" - lots of people! If your heart is broke it can't pump fresh blood through your body and you DIE!

"Maybe spending all day on twitter will pay off! Now let's go watch some porn" my invisible friend Gregory always knows how to cheer me up.

I think, therefore I am not religious.

If you don't want to kiss your girlfriend every time you glance upon her physical + mental beauty then you're most certainly doing it wrong

Ok, it's time to get off my ass and lie on my stomach.

I can't believe my 2 year old cousin is saying "Fuck Off". I mean she is Irish, I'm just surprised it's taken her so long.

Hey Twitter followers, I know I can sometimes come off as a douche, and for that I'm sorry. I'll try harder to be a big dick in the future.

I love tea!...almost as much as I love the letter T! followed by an i,t, and s.

What's it like to get a 100 star tweet? Do Tiny Unicorns really jump out of your monitor and transform into sexy women and service you?

I am lying in bed partially clothed. I would be elated if I could dine on cookie dough ice cream now. I do not have any. I am not elated.

Part of me wants to tweet some of my older tweets just to see if they get more than 2 likes. Maybe because you're in a better mood?

My spirit animal is a panda stuffing its face with jam doughnuts while taking a crap in the woods humming the theme to Captain Planet. BOOM!

Suicide is preventable. Just fav my tweets and I'll withhold from buying heavy duty rope and a rickety chair.

Nothing like a quick workout to make you realize you should workout a lot more.

I WANT TO HUMP ALL THE DISNEY PRINCESSES! There, it's out in the open, let's deal with it and move on.

Don't let my pink bed spread fool you! I'm all man. Now back to making daisy chains.

I think I can sum up my current state of affairs in 2 words: sofa bed.

I certainly have an appreciation for big butts and I'd rather not deny it.

What do you mean I'm not manly enough for you! I was the first in my class to collect all 151 Pokemon. Yeah, 151, BITCH!

Scarlett Johansson, you looked better in my imagination. I have very high imaginative standards.