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It's crazy when I run into ex girlfriends and they all have kids and all I have is a new Mercedes. Kinda the same thing right??
Movie idea:
Guy gets ATM card stuck in ATM machine in the beginning of Labor Day weekend. Hilarity ensues.
It's an autobiography
When I started on twitter I thought I'd be following comedians cause they're funny but wow! Those fucking dolts r dense compared to u guys
A cigarette ember just fell on my bare chest and I got wood. I wish I was hugged when I was younger.
Tampon commercial:
Chick backflips off a diving board sayin she's happy about her tampons working.
If I'm in that pool so am I.
Thnks Tampax
Fuck! I bought boxers without a pee hole. Now I'm totally gonna look gay at the urinal with my pants AND my boxers to my ankles.
Dont feel like enough of a loser today so. Im going to buy guitar hero cause there's nothing sexier than a grown man who plays a fake guitar
I'm about to get raped at the apple store and everyone will be watching and no one will do nothing.
My mother just told me she's on twitter. I told her not to follow me. It's so she still has respect for me.
It's so hard trying to eat a hotdog during in earthquake. Just kept slapping against my cheeks. Such a turn on yet so frustrating.
Just got another credit card. Great just another tool to cut my coke with.
#JokeforMM
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
I punched myself in the stomach and just learned some things:
I hit hard
I can't take a hit
I don't like being hit
I guess no UFC for me
My neighbors know exactly when I watch playboy. The volume goes low and in about 26 secs after you hear me crying.
I hate myself.
I think after work I'm just relax and wrap my lips around a nice fat cock....cigar I meant cigar!
My sex doll and have been trying to have a baby for so long. She said she's off the pill but, I have my suspicions.
the easiest way to say no is by saying it.
