Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
It's crazy when I run into ex girlfriends and they all have kids and all I have is a new Mercedes. Kinda the same thing right??
Guy gets ATM card stuck in ATM machine in the beginning of Labor Day weekend. Hilarity ensues.
It's an autobiography
The worst part of being guy is...
Seriously, does anyone know??
When I started on twitter I thought I'd be following comedians cause they're funny but wow! Those fucking dolts r dense compared to u guys
A cigarette ember just fell on my bare chest and I got wood. I wish I was hugged when I was younger.
Chick backflips off a diving board sayin she's happy about her tampons working.
If I'm in that pool so am I.
Fuck! I bought boxers without a pee hole. Now I'm totally gonna look gay at the urinal with my pants AND my boxers to my ankles.
Dont feel like enough of a loser today so. Im going to buy guitar hero cause there's nothing sexier than a grown man who plays a fake guitar
I'm about to get raped at the apple store and everyone will be watching and no one will do nothing.
My mother just told me she's on twitter. I told her not to follow me. It's so she still has respect for me.
It's so hard trying to eat a hotdog during in earthquake. Just kept slapping against my cheeks. Such a turn on yet so frustrating.
Just got another credit card. Great just another tool to cut my coke with.
I know what it looks like. I spilled yogurt on myself....seriously.
Just listened to 2 Coldplay songs in a row and started lactating.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Leave shaving your balls to the professionals.
I punched myself in the stomach and just learned some things:
I hit hard
I can't take a hit
I don't like being hit
I guess no UFC for me
My neighbors know exactly when I watch playboy. The volume goes low and in about 26 secs after you hear me crying.
I hate myself.
I think after work I'm just relax and wrap my lips around a nice fat cock....cigar I meant cigar!
My sex doll and have been trying to have a baby for so long. She said she's off the pill but, I have my suspicions.