What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant woman have in common?
In each case there's a dumb-ass who didn't take it out in time

My phone has decided heating my hand up is preferable to connecting to any kind of signal.

When I was a child, I remember laying, eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

The only thing that keeps me sane is my collection of singing potatoes.

Can you buy ball gags for cats?

My prawn fell out.

#FF @myexisaslutt @sir_truth_hurts @bitchymctits because they had their arse hanging out all day, are quite mad and can speel properly.

Note to other road users. I'm awfully busy today, so please make a hole as it's very tiresome playing chicken with y'all

QT @jess_stratton: Hope you get fisted you crook fucking cunt umps. SUCK ON THAT!// Just when you thought twitter had gone soft!

Apparently I made someone puke last night. Which is nice.

Today as I listen to jazz music, recently purchased. I realise I made some wrong life choices as I prepare to shovel shit in the rain.

Pretty sure Stephen Hawking thinks we're all a bunch of fucking idiots and should be shot repeatedly.

WTF was that flashy thing in my head!?! Subliminal advertisements? Will I want panty liners and a poodle in a minute?

In other news I appeared to have slept with a packet of Jammy Dodgers last night. Not that I'm possessive or anything.

You soon know when others return home as peace and quiet are swiftly shattered

I will soon be poking the media server with a pointy stick.

Tidy everything up, make it pretty and less dangerous to walk around. Gotta turf it all out now, cant find me fag papers

I've just lost my starfucking cherry. If it wasn't you, try harder

Today's exciting experience: Going downhill through a muddy field whilst sliding sideways knowing the brakes wont help

Just said on the radio twitter is a good place for advice.Really?well I do now know how to treat my bitches and where to buy the best crack