I have a dream that a tweet will not be starred & RTed by the size of your chest.. but by the content of your character

Sometimes I star my husband's shit as a way of saying.. "I'm watching you mother fucker!"

Does it count if I hit 2 birds while stoned?

I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grows up, he said he wanted to be fat.... I am so proud he sets realistic goals

I plan on taking all my husband's followers in the divorce agreement

Every time my husband puts his head between my legs his speech gets slurred... I guess the cat's got his tongue

nothing fills my heart with more joy than waking up before my infant son and screaming in his face until he wakes up

You think your sex life is terrible... I have to wear 3d glasses just to pretend my husband has an erection

when a fat girl seems happy I assumed she got new batteries for her dildo

I bet if they replaced stars with middle fingers... I'd get a lot more of them

Forget the skeleton I have an entire graveyard in my closet

Watching a Fat girl pretending to be sexy is almost as cute as a thin girl pretending to not be hungry =)

I wearing a blue shirt today... to raise awareness for balls everywhere!

"BLOW ME." --Balloons

It's hard to convince men that I'm a virgin while holding my son, but then again some ol lady named Mary pulled it off, so I'll keep trying

If you're suppose to treat people the way you'd want to be treated, then why did I get in trouble for slapping strangers with dildos?

I will never understand why my husband carries a wallet... not like he has any money....

I just shaved my VAGINA ...... She was starting to look too much like Justin Bieber...

Sarah Palin is in Iowa.... If I see her, I'm punching her in the balls!

I don't feel like dressing up for Halloween, so I'm going as a whore