If you remember sniffing the teacher handouts when they had that purple ink from the mimeograph machines, you get me.

I'm at that awkward age. I have too many wrinkles to be pretty and not enough to be interesting.

Horrifying police brutality: Family Guy writer's account of his @occupyla arrest - http://t.co/n2U2mQDD #OccupyLA

Things I'm grateful for: When the electricity goes off, the toilet still flushes.

I'm coming to realize that while I may never be wildly popular, I can aspire to be mildly appreciated.

Knock on teacher's lounge door at lunch reveals a girl wearing pink leggings. Says I, "Who ordered the cheerleader?" Got laughs.

Thank goodness the #47% are on duty protecting the 100% tonight during the storm. #sandy #firefighters #police #paramedics

Perhaps we should blame his parents. They named him Tiger, after all, so what did they expect him to chase after… puppy?

Some people should come with a warning label.

Inside all adults are scared children playing pretend.

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." M. L. King Jr., Letter from Birmingham Jail, Apr 16, 1963 @angryarabiya #bahrain

Poll says Fox is most trusted name in news, the most obvious evidence yet that our schools are not teaching thinking skills.

Sarah Palin reminds me of my dad. He never finished anything he started, either.

When they put our tweets in the Library of Congress, will we be filed under fiction or nonfiction?

Wow, I'm doing something wrong. How does someone with three tweets have over 400 followers? Clearly, I am working too hard at this.

Conan situation is like moving into a house only to learn the former owner wants to keep the master bedroom and have you sleep in the attic.

Mubarak, if you need advice on how to leave office before your term is up, call Sarah Palin.

For the record, I am funnier in person, but prettier on Twitter.

So, has anyone checked to see if Sarah Palin was flying over Arkansas recently?

Most moralists are hiding something.