Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

The "pull-out method" is like shaving your balls with a straight razor. You'll never forget that one time you messed up.

Just sacrificed a comma to make a tweet fit. Can't decide if I want to delete the tweet or stay up all night worrying about it

Dumped this whole can of pistachios in a paper bag just to have an excuse to say nut sac in a socially acceptable way.

My family portraits look more like hostage situations.

I could put a dead body in the oven at my house and my wife would never fucking see it.

Fear of commitment? I'll have you know I've masturbated to the same avi twice today.

She said she wanted to watch me masturbate. Lazy bitch.

I'm such a bad ass, I don't even use the cardboard sleeve when I get my soy, half-caff, sugar free caramel macchiato

I'm in a weird mood today. I feel like crying, then kicking my own ass for acting like such a pussy.

It's strange how one person can ruin a name to the point that it's never used again. Like Adolf, Saddam, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, etc.

I'm beginning to think that Kesha and Nicki Minaj might just be different strains of the same venereal disease.

Going to invent an iPhone app that wipes it clean with the touch of a button when your spouse asks to use it. Thinking "Panic Button".

Sorry about the unfollow. But you called Beyonce an artist.

I think you guys lusting after the gymnasts should go ahead and register as sex offenders.

If Twitter was really built for narcissists, we'd be able to retweet ourselves.

I've recently learned that "twitter funny" does not always translate well into real life.

Morgan Freeman?

I'd rather have Ray Liotta narrate my life.

I've been so fucked up for the past year, I can open child proof pharmaceutical bottles with one finger.

I can't be the only person that sees this. pic.twitter.com/KnIioDr1