Twitter really has become like a surreal collection of human baseball cards.

Being really unique is sexy.

Hey girl, are you a savings account in Cyprus, because I just lost interest.

I appreciate you not being unfortunate looking.

I'm ready for dinosaurs to make a comeback.

I prefer my superheroes be a little issue-ridden, aloof, and on edge. The Batmans, Green Arrows, and Wolverines of the comic world.

True calm can be attained by simply thinking of unicorns, Steve Winwood's '80s hits, and Crystal Pepsi.

I do 'distant' rather well.

What damaged you, America?

I never realized beards were so highly valued until I joined Twitter.

Think organizing GI Joe or He-Man figures showed your true armchair general talent as an '80s kid?

I militarized the Care Bears, bitches.

A good understanding of finance is a really sexy quality in hot women.

She was formed from cloud cotton, angel spit, and rainbow ink...

The El Camino: For the man who wants the utility of an old mid-size pickup without the worry of attracting any classy women along the way.

The assclown is probably the worst species of clown.

The most humorous aspect of this town hall debate is that each guy truly thinks he's completely owning the other guy.

I'd rather eat a loaf of Wonder Bread and drink a six-pack of Coors Light than listen to Mumford & Sons.

I used to color-coordinate my Lego men.

I miss the days when you could buy an NFL player's jersey and know the guy would still be on the team 30 minutes later.

Today's drone becomes tomorrow's Robocop. Dream big, America.