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  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Mario returns from another day of golfing, karting and tennis. "Did you do any plumbing today?" his wife asks. A hungry baby cries.

    • 4,167
    • FAVS
    MaxSonicmike_hasarmsChantalLyonssunshinesliceduc1701JoeyT13wickednoizeoye_bubbly_
    • 4,179
    • RETWEETS
    zetaverseNotTheIssueVetty_KuttySacreBlue9motumusPumpedUpGhostchutiya_paaShri_says
    BromanConsuljefftminstonAaronFullerton
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Boyz II Men II Grandpaz II Skeletonz

    • 631
    • FAVS
    JakeGunstJuicedballsBarW38CountMackulamikejlongoSienneChambersJoeyPositivityElektraLuxxx
    • 370
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballscaitlin_cunnPonoBishopCountMackulahighdivingponySienneChambersteen999helpdavid_bu
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Oh great, a unicorn! A horse that can stab me! Here, cow, why don't you hold this gun?! Will we ever learn.

    • 534
    • FAVS
    fadyokmeganshpettitgeniusindisgizeandy_lizeth6lg____kaleydell25OmgDefrozenColaga
    • 204
    • RETWEETS
    KouklamichellefadyokJackWilliamRtFmodernogrebex_sheardaquafreshXTREMEbrandoncrandonMullinKj
    TheFearBoners____
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Two necrophiliacs in love, sitting in an empty room, staring at each other, waiting.

    • 444
    • FAVS
    jamesjhamiltonJakeGunsttastefactoryJuicedballsBarW38dangergirl7MudvilleOutlookSelf_Felatio
    • 220
    • RETWEETS
    JuicedballsitsmemistydawnbecabirdCountMackulaunderyourbed666gristlebritchespangieeveeRTRajaa
    Mickey_McCauley
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."

    • 410
    • FAVS
    Home_HalfwayS3ANBURKEjamesjhamiltonBurds_1JakeGunstJuicedballsCidCammiallitay26
    • 245
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyJuicedballsCidCammiVixxon187MudvilleOutlookCountMackulabiillybark_ick
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    A good April Fools to play at your job is to just work there and work there and work there but secretly hate it the whole time and then die.

    • 274
    • FAVS
    Home_Halfwaynatedog2049agreeablecarmark_billieLilFlaOrange30onthelukeoutTw1tter_K1ttencourtneymurr
    • 191
    • RETWEETS
    McBloggensteinmomhugsKristinHuckabeeDodgingPylons_tweetRouletteMaybeItsKeithbenittto9Favstar250
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Stare at a cute dog. Look at its owner. Share a chuckle. Stare at the dog some more. Say "Nice horse."

    • 226
    • FAVS
    Home_HalfwayH_r_bitchJakeGunstJuicedballsBarW38SaraThomas84DanKCharnleydaniellelah
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    danggdanielle_TfeveJakeGunstJuicedballsMentionMeBiatchKingBez95timonator98LaurenRoee
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Anybody else having problems with the Twitter app? Mine keeps making me seek the approval of strangers.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    natedog2049JakeGunsttastefactoryJuicedballsBarW38CountMackulalafixSaraThomas84
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    JuicedballsBarW38CountMackulaHeavenL77fanofhellfvckeryyLunatic_timesemireecraire
    SSDated
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Hey guys my phone's not working so if you need me just sprinkle some blood on a white dove and whisper my true name in its ear.

    • 183
    • FAVS
    JakeGunstBarW38CountMackulaHome_Halfwaya_lolbrarianOoOamyleighOoOSaraThomas84PaigeMacaroni
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    CountMackulaOoOamyleighOoOM_Barbizzle42beezlebratwowimperfecthaleyboninninjabrochilldog_hills
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    FLIGHT SAFETY TIP: Always see if everyone on your plane has a compelling backstory cause if they do you are going to crash on an island.

    • 153
    • FAVS
    Home_Halfwaynatedog2049alsmith208JakeGunstBarW38GiftedNapperSaraThomas84michael_romanos
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    alsmith208JakeGunstdaniblane09thriftshopstaciBlondechachaRyanJOutramAlyssaVioletchoovertweets
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    By a show of hands, who's got the most hands? Welp this one goes to Nine Hands Jerry again. You got too many hands Jerry.

    • 164
    • FAVS
    Home_Halfwayredherringbearpeterjames48MCaparconatedog2049tastefactoryBarW38CountMackula
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    natedog2049broaddus4BlarebarebryanwhitejrescamuelJonahsBigWhalesuupanna____Seanxsolo
    RowdyBowden
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Sometimes I wonder if Ernest Hemingway killed himself because a guy traveled back in time and started beat boxing in front of him.

    • 163
    • FAVS
    JakeGunstBarW38CountMackulaSaraThomas84michael_romanosDanKCharnleycurtandrewrcgiff
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    tombrodudeultim8hogfansharktopus_rexGoatsMcScroats____BeginnersModeSran_A____________rw_powers________soonerick76
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    DID YOU KNOW: Before birds had wings they would just jump out of trees all the time and die.

    • 155
    • FAVS
    Home_Halfwaynatedog2049DieLaughingBarW38SaraThomas84WritepopDanKCharnleyrcgiff
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyJacquelineBahrCALI_G1RLmalmanarnoMCbosciaShalinaJmissrickleyDoggingNinja
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    A flock of Russell Crowes is called a "song murder."

    • 118
    • FAVS
    abcdekindJakeGunstSaraThomas84michael_romanos_c6k______________rcgiffJermHimselfishDanielBlasko
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    mastersjet_strakcodeinejoninsevenxx7Sepseverusfavstar_poptatedurandfavstar1000favs
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    I mean why should I have to wash my hands after I poop? I wipe with PAPER not my FINGERS. Anyway let's start your massage.

    • 170
    • FAVS
    Home_Halfwaynatedog2049JakeGunstBarW38becabirdCountMackulaSaraThomas84michael_romanos
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    itsmemistydawnbecabirdCountMackulajpkarlssonArronskidjshankyswagKyle198Xcoachsalmond
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    My perfect woman would have Jennifer Lopez's butt, Charlize Theron's butt, Megan Fox's butt. She'd just be a big pile of butts. Nice.

    • 167
    • FAVS
    jamesjhamiltonnatedog2049shy_bonerJakeGunstlukeoc27BarW38ambietalksCountMackula
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    RondalionCountMackulasarahplegicdocta_wattsSam_Alan33AshBuzzzz________flegma_manchrislivesat77
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Go to Hallmark and hang out near the "I'm Sorry" greeting cards. Wait till someone comes over. Fart. Hand them a card and walk away.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    Home_Halfwaynatedog2049BarW38mtnbikerdenisCountMackulaSaraThomas84Writepoplooney_bin
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyalfiecloversCountMackulafanofhellQewForShortdecimal0likealonelystarsarahhartshorne
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Don't know why the Ninja Turtles thought they needed different color masks, you can tell them apart just based on their 'tudes.

    • 148
    • FAVS
    jamesjhamiltonnatedog2049JakeGunstCountMackulaSaraThomas84fanofhellBlondechachabrzandt
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyfanofhellkierafalhatmanandbobbindarliclementine4greyo____________HotBoySoupStacieMcCloud
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    I think my favorite part of the Spider-Man movie is when he makes a huge web and it pans up to reveal he spelled out "SOME PIG."

    • 147
    • FAVS
    NeverMissGiftagreeablecarSaraThomas84indaskyesMirado613mama7689atanenhauscooperbigdaddy
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    NeverMissGiftcathrine_ruckertheegoryawkwardambitionWatchfulHubbyJon_HarttHomecheezpetatime
  • AaronBurdette
      Aaron Burdette @AaronBurdette

    Top 5 James Bond Films:

    5. Mr. Sex Spy
    4. Russia? No Thanks
    3. Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold
    2. Mr. Sex Spy 2: Um Hello Ladies
    1. Bowfinger

    • 162
    • FAVS
    korkboardceejoynersackstickpugDNAsenderblock23ballin_shanesmeagolsfreePyvi
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    BastiMaasNerveCenterCTgegtikvalerieeee14syrup_veinsRotabushpenisbutt69burnettski92
@AaronBurdette

@AaronBurdette

Sketch Writer at UCB NY, Contributor to The Onion / Weekend Update / Witstream