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Mario returns from another day of golfing, karting and tennis. "Did you do any plumbing today?" his wife asks. A hungry baby cries.
Two necrophiliacs in love, sitting in an empty room, staring at each other, waiting.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Oh great, a unicorn! A horse that can stab me! Here, cow, why don't you hold this gun?! Will we ever learn.
Stare at a cute dog. Look at its owner. Share a chuckle. Stare at the dog some more. Say "Nice horse."
Hey guys my phone's not working so if you need me just sprinkle some blood on a white dove and whisper my true name in its ear.
FLIGHT SAFETY TIP: Always see if everyone on your plane has a compelling backstory cause if they do you are going to crash on an island.
Sometimes I wonder if Ernest Hemingway killed himself because a guy traveled back in time and started beat boxing in front of him.
DID YOU KNOW: Before birds had wings they would just jump out of trees all the time and die.
A flock of Russell Crowes is called a "song murder."
By a show of hands, who's got the most hands? Welp this one goes to Nine Hands Jerry again. You got too many hands Jerry.
I mean why should I have to wash my hands after I poop? I wipe with PAPER not my FINGERS. Anyway let's start your massage.
Don't know why the Ninja Turtles thought they needed different color masks, you can tell them apart just based on their 'tudes.
Go to Hallmark and hang out near the "I'm Sorry" greeting cards. Wait till someone comes over. Fart. Hand them a card and walk away.
My Bat Signal is the silhouette of a guy standing alone in the kitchen eating roast beef right out of the package.
Here in 2012 if I walked into that Blair Witch house and saw a motionless dude facing a corner I'd be like "Who you textin?"
My perfect woman would have Jennifer Lopez's butt, Charlize Theron's butt, Megan Fox's butt. She'd just be a big pile of butts. Nice.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she's gone.
Anybody else having problems with the Twitter app? Mine keeps making me seek the approval of strangers.
Sketch Writer at UCB NY, Contributor to The Onion / Weekend Update / Witstream