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Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I wish Hillary's campaign slogan was "Because Leslie Knope isn't real."
If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of "Friends," you'll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I make fun of people Instagramming their food, but I forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.
Still feel bad for not considering that Dr. Pepper might be a woman.
"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
No one resents the "e" in their name more than Jason Bateman.
Ha ha, can't believe people think global warming exists when it's cold out-- hold on! shhh! a magic groundhog is about to ordain the seasons
We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.
Haven't seen a Seattle organization dominate like this since every single day when I drive by 83 Starbucks.
HAHA ENGLAND BET YOU FEEL PRETTY DUMB FOR TAXING TEA RIGHT NOW HUH IT'S JUST HERBS IN BAGS YOU COULDA HAD ALLLL THISSSS -USA's drunk text
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I feel like the main point of Twitter is to just keep adding verses to "We Didn't Start The Fire."
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven't even started yet.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."
TV writer (Chasing Life, Graceland). Cancer survivor. Constantly feeling lucky.
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