"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario

Here's the thing: I have testicular cancer. But here's the other thing: We're gonna have fun with it. Let's laugh:  http://aaronlaughswithcancer.tumblr.com 

Still feel bad for not considering that Dr. Pepper might be a woman.

If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.

HAHA ENGLAND BET YOU FEEL PRETTY DUMB FOR TAXING TEA RIGHT NOW HUH IT'S JUST HERBS IN BAGS YOU COULDA HAD ALLLL THISSSS -USA's drunk text

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."

Funny how The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is so cool but The Guy With the Dragon Tattoo never shuts up about his one semester in Thailand.

I make fun of people Instagramming their food, but I forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.

Every time I use Google Maps, I want to set it to "'Game of Thrones' Opening Credits Mode."

No one ever says "That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it" after a good opinion.

I think it's unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it's "sushi," but when a fish eats uncooked human, it's "a shark attack."

"Is this seat... Taken? Haha no I'm just joshin' but seriously I'm gonna sit here." -Liam Neeson at movie theaters, all the time I hope

The way you work it is ok, I guess. Some diggity.

"Fin." (how Shark Week should end)

Doctor: "I'm sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners--"

Lou Bega: "Way ahead of you."

Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?

"Don't ask me again" is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.

Don't think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer "Vixen."