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Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I make fun of people Instagramming their food, but I forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.
Still feel bad for not considering that Dr. Pepper might be a woman.
"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of "Friends," you'll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.
Haven't seen a Seattle organization dominate like this since every single day when I drive by 83 Starbucks.
HAHA ENGLAND BET YOU FEEL PRETTY DUMB FOR TAXING TEA RIGHT NOW HUH IT'S JUST HERBS IN BAGS YOU COULDA HAD ALLLL THISSSS -USA's drunk text
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven't even started yet.
"Today's special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters..."
Doctor: "I'm sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners--"
Lou Bega: "Way ahead of you."
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Next time your kid won't eat carrots, scream: "Snowmen had to DIE for this meal!"
I'd watch a web series that's just the losing team's drive home from the Family Feud set.
Most of the voicemails I leave sound like I'm slowly re-learning English after a traumatic event.