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"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
Still feel bad for not considering that Dr. Pepper might be a woman.
I make fun of people Instagramming their food, but I forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.
If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
HAHA ENGLAND BET YOU FEEL PRETTY DUMB FOR TAXING TEA RIGHT NOW HUH IT'S JUST HERBS IN BAGS YOU COULDA HAD ALLLL THISSSS -USA's drunk text
We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."
I like this time of year because, instead of getting asked "Good weekend?" on Monday mornings, everyone asks "So Breaking Bad, huh?"
Funny how The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is so cool but The Guy With the Dragon Tattoo never shuts up about his one semester in Thailand.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of "Friends," you'll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
No one ever says "That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it" after a good opinion.
"Don't ask me again" is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Every time I use Google Maps, I want to set it to "'Game of Thrones' Opening Credits Mode."
"Fin." (how Shark Week should end)
Doctor: "I'm sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners--"
Lou Bega: "Way ahead of you."
I think it's unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it's "sushi," but when a fish eats uncooked human, it's "a shark attack."
Writer on USA's Graceland. Cancer survivor. Constantly feeling lucky.