I used to have this party trick where I could make my dignity disappear.

I smack talk at weeds when I spray them with weed killer because I'm a badass like that.

If the last supper had a selection of cheeses and cold meats I might have been more religious.

@nikiwithissues I just strap a pair of wombats to my feet for short trips to the market.

You're so sexy, when I get you home....

I'm gonna hold your hand, compliment your mind and appreciate what you contribute to society!

I just ate a whole wheel of Brie.......


I regret nothing!

@scbchbum The bottom of a woman's handbag is the gateway to the fourth dimension.

Thanks to all my followers, i feel like buying plane ticket and coming to high five you all.

@notjpo because its Istanbullshit.

"Hi, I've got a whole wheel of Gouda at my place and a packet of crackers just begging to be opened."- me at a club trying to pick up girls.

I cross the street and almost trip so I suddenly start break dancing. I tried to look spontaneous and not clumsy...

It made it worse

I'm thinking of making twitter my life coach, what could possibly go wrong?

I need to start by getting booze, a cannon and some cats.

I get so disappointed if I don't manage to bring a girl home after a night out.....



I can't split the cab charge.

@irowlf She just doesn't want you falling in with the wrong crowd. Velociraptor's are a gateway dinosaur to gang violence.

@thejessbess You're down and out and you've left crumbs on the floor. The cockroaches scamper around and clean them up for you. FEELINGS.

@saraespivey @endlessraines What? Blueberry waffles are delicious! *googles blue waffle, violently vomits, sets self on fire*

@siouxdonnem No it's just the pleats it the pants! They exaggerate my crotch area.

Man, the cockroaches at my place are so high. They finished my stash and now they've formed mariachi band to serenade me... Oh wait.

@guyadvisor Not if they know you're gonna try and pay with Monopoly money. Pro tip: Don't tell them you only have Monopoly money before sex.

@hecatepangddss from that response it seems clear you indulge in a bit of bird watching, the Variegated Blue Wren being your favorite bird.