I wish salaries were based on the number of 90's rap songs you could repeat verbatim.

When an old dude whips out his monocle, just before making a statement, you know shit's about to get real.

Putting 'married' in your twitter bio, is code for 'I cheat, so my spouse made me type this.'

To those of you with protected tweets: Why are you here, and what do you want from us?

The nicer you are, the more people want to be around you. That is not a price I'm willing to pay.

Funny how someone decided the Jesus thing was too unrealistic, and made Christmas about dancing elves, indoor trees, and flying reindeer.

Drinking coffee on my front porch, and someone just threw a bible at me. God is good! He knew I needed a coaster.

If you're in love, that's awesome. Just remember, no one else really gives a shit.

Cop said updating my GPS at a stop sign, is a deadly no-no. So, I'll just drive around reading paper maps as big as my living room.

I'd rather do something perfectly, or not at all. Which is why I don't do much.

"Don't @ me..star me!"
"Don't star me...RT me!"
"I don't get enough replies!"
Twitter - where everyone is a woman that can't be pleased

"Take me to the place with that $2 whore on the front of it." - My grandpa requesting Wendy's for lunch.

Don't be fooled by the expensive wine, in my wine rack. You'll be served the cheap shit in the fridge.

It always makes me laugh when a man lets his penis destroy his entire life.

Men that want a 'domesticated' woman better be able to rebuild a car's engine and fix broken appliances. Domestication works both ways.

I've always had this fetish for men that love brunettes.

When jogging, I'll jump a fence, knock over playing children, and frogger through moving cars, to avoid an awkward hello with a neighbor.

I pulled off an amazing feat. I've finally programmed every dirty word in the English language to my phone's dictionary. Duck yes!

I feel sorry for the people I graduated high school with, because damn they're getting old.

The only thing more obnoxious than a know-it-all who knows nothing, is a know-it-all who really does know everything.