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Tim Burton: "Hey Johnny I've got this new mov-" Johnny Depp: "Yes."
I have benefits, you know, if anyone is in need of a friend...
"Wait, there's a black guy in Maroon 5?" - Everyone
I like to prepare for important events by getting lots of zits.
My smartphone broke, so today I was forced to use an old Nokia to send an SMS like some kind of animal...
Cat hair is lonely people glitter.
True friendship is hating on everything together.
Congrats to Amy Winehouse - almost 3 years sober!
Me in 5th grade: "I will never drink or smoke or do any drugs..."
Me now: "I probably wouldn't do meth..."
WHY, people who put a space before an exclamation mark, WHY do you torment me?!
The amount of shit you have in your BBM name is directly proportional to how much I hate you.
If Earth is the third planet from the sun, isn't every country technically a third world country?
My mom says I can't retweet you anymore...
My dad's car has no working headlights and the radio is broken. I feel like Helen Keller when I drive it at night...
Happy Birthday M̶o̶r̶g̶a̶n̶ ̶F̶r̶e̶e̶m̶a̶n̶ Nelson Mandela...
Not sure if Men's Health... Or gay porn...
I'm having fruit salad for dinner... Well, it's mostly grapes actually... Ok, all grapes... Fermented grapes... I'm having wine for dinner..
"Oh, a goose down duvet? Here I shall piss..." - My cat
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.