Tim Burton: "Hey Johnny I've got this new mov-" Johnny Depp: "Yes."

"Wait, there's a black guy in Maroon 5?" - Everyone

I have benefits, you know, if anyone is in need of a friend...

I like to prepare for important events by getting lots of zits.

My smartphone broke, so today I was forced to use an old Nokia to send an SMS like some kind of animal...

True friendship is hating on everything together.

WHY, people who put a space before an exclamation mark, WHY do you torment me?!

The amount of shit you have in your BBM name is directly proportional to how much I hate you.

My dad's car has no working headlights and the radio is broken. I feel like Helen Keller when I drive it at night...

Happy Birthday M̶o̶r̶g̶a̶n̶ ̶F̶r̶e̶e̶m̶a̶n̶ Nelson Mandela...

THANK YOU to @woolworths_sa for donating the 9 boxes of brand new WoolWorths baby supplies for our foster babies! pic.twitter.com/5bVx4I3S

"Oh, a goose down duvet? Here I shall piss..." - My cat

NO PANTS ARE THE BEST PANTS.

"The whole problem with the world is that fools & fanatics are always so certain of themselves & wiser people so full of doubts" - B Russell

Not sure if Men's Health... Or gay porn...

Liquid Chefs, please, stop showing off... Just pour my alcohol into that glass and slide it over. Thanks...

Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

Clothes should not be a necessity, even in public, when it's this hot...

Everyone: "You have your mother's eyes..." Harry Potter: "I FUCKING KNOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!"

Facebook is a festering pool of amateur 'political' commentators, desperately trying to prove simple points with complicated words...