Just fingered my shampoo bottle trying to reach that tiny spot with shampoo left in it. Id be a horrible lesbian.

I can go from pretty reasonable to bat shit crazy in the same amount of time you tell me to "calm down."

Facebook: a bunch of idiots with Baby Fever


Twitter: a bunch of geniuses with Stockholm Syndrome.

Don't trust my after 2am booty call. If I was drunk enough to call you, I guarantee I'm too drunk to do anything else.

Waiter: "Enjoy your meal."

Me: "Thanks, you too!"

Every, single, fucking time.

It's not that I'm breaking up with you, it's more like I'm starting a relationship with freedom.

When I'm in an elevator with other people, I just stare at them the entire time so that the ride isn't awkward.

I like to wear low cut shirts. Not so I can attract guys with my cleavage, but so I can scratch my nipple a lot easier.

Doesn't take much to get drunk when you can't afford to eat.

I star before I follow so you know why I like you.

A game of Never Have I Ever with the Twitter crowd would get weird real fast.

If you need something on your beer to indicate when it's cold enough to drink, you probably aren't smart enough to be drinking, period.

Basically what I'm saying is, I'd make a horrible wife but an excellent drinking buddy.

43% water
35% pee
14% vomit
8% cum

Las Vegas pools

Nothing like living pay check to liquor store to pay check.

Even our homeless people are fat. Welcome to America.

Whats the proper etiquette when returning your exes stuff? Do you box up all the ashes or just put some in an envelope as a symbolic gesture

When you're hammered everything looks like something you'd nail.

If I say "cock" I feel dirty but "penis" just sounds funny. So I'm going to take the mature route and call it "shling shlong" or "dingaling"

Love me. Fuck me. Fight me. Hate me. Just please not all in one night. It's too exhausting.