I love followers who tell me I'm too crass or not funny enough or something something. When did my stream of thought become a democracy?

Ok, I'll admit it. I only came into work today because I'm out of toilet paper at home.

I don't know who brought these cinnamon blueberry muffins into work today, but they are obviously trying to get in my pants.

2 year old birthday party, done.




Next stop: vasectomy.

In the mirror, I see a ripped Hulk dancing & tearing his shirt off. Through the window, my neighbors see a near-Albino kid having a seizure.

Just when I think I've lost every shred of sympathy and humanity, I do something that reminds me I'll fake both if it gets me laid.

If there's a way to put a comforter in a duvet without actually getting in the duvet, I sure as hell haven't figured it out yet.

I hope there isn't a video camera in the elevator.

My Michael Jackson pelvic thrust dance got pretty intense between floors one and two.

Hug me like you stole me.

Co-Worker: The customer is always right.

Me: We work at a high school. The customer is always an idiot.

I can tell you this much already - I am going to be one cantankerous fuck of an old man.

Just saw a woman driving while using a pair of tweezers to pull hairs out of her chin.

Suddenly, I don't feel so bad about texting.

I have no problem blaming booze for typos, slurred speech, random acts of nudity. But I would never blame it for sex. I'm a slut on my own.

Three peoples' asses have called me this morning. Apparently I'm a popular booty call.

Me: I bleed excellence. Roommate: I'm gonna punch you in the face and see if that's true.

Does this "Will Have Sex For Money" sign make me look slutty or just broke? I'm asking for my self esteem.

Not only is your visible armpit hair not work appropriate, but it also doesn't match very well with that pink summer dress you have on.

I'm not good in bed. I just adequately mimic things that I've heard people who are good in bed do. I'm like the Safeway Select of sex.

I put "Sex" on every To-do list I make. A guy's gotta have dreams, right?

I love leaving the house while it's still dark. I'm also quite sarcastic at 5 am.