Just lying in bed, thinking if I could have any celebrity tuck me in and read me a story, I would choose Morgan Freeman.

To celebrate the royal wedding, free boob washes at my place tomorrow, ladies! #mrboobwash #royalwedding #royalweddingboobwashspecial

Classic comment in this afternoon's lecture.
Question: "What's a 'through ball' then?"
Student answer: "Triangle button on FIFA."

@saidbylauren Your spelling & grammar is lovely

"If people want to judge me, they can go fuck themselves, and I'll judge them on how well they fuck themselves." #amazing 😂

I'm reading an article called “How to get Cheryl Cole's body” but it’s just a load of health tips and nothing at all about kidnapping :(

Awesome CSG support today from everyone in the Millennium Stadium, watching from home & following online #CSG #Steelers #WestIsBest

@carlsaggin @mikemancini I don't know who that guy is, but I like his style.

Fortunate to have this as a back garden in these conditions pic.twitter.com/nGtDPY0tSm

Developed a really worrying habit of saying things out loud to my phone when enlarging photos of girls.

@carlsaggin Quit after 25 secs sorry. She said "look left" and looked right, then said "look right" and looked left.

😳 “@historyweird: 1018: In Poland, adulterous men have their scrotums nailed to a bridge - and are given a sharp knife to free themselves."

@carlsaggin Story of my life

@carlsaggin Your poor g'parents!!

Expanding the 'dating-zone' to an 8 mile radius. A bold, genius move 💪 #Undateables

"Yes, is there anything you want to update me about?" - how I'll be answering my phone from now on #undateables

@saidbylauren The British version is even more clean-off!

Time to confess. I'm not really Adam Jones. Jones is an asshole who picked on me in school. I'm using this account to destroy his life.

Is anyone else's drafts folder full of inappropriate tweets you write when sober but don't publish until you're drunk & brave/stupid enough?

NEEEEEEEEEEVER FORGET WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.... 🎶💪