Anderson Cooper's a Vanderbilt. He didn't come out of the closet, he came out of an antique armoire made from rare Southeast Asian agarwood.

"I'm Sarah Palin... and I delete this message."

We get it, RIP Rodney King. Let's not beat this thing to death.

Sarah Palin can now see Obama's reelection from her front porch.

TMZ is like if everyone on "Entourage" got an office job.

When there was only one set of carbon footprints? That's when Al Gore was carrying you.

Q: What has any single homosexual in the military done that Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell and Jon Kyl never have? A: Serve. #DADT #GOPFail

Somewhere out there, Jessie is looking at his girl and thinking "Dude. You can have her."

This is not what I meant when I prayed that Whitney get cancelled.

I've decided I will become a Christian as soon as somebody shows me Jesus' long form birth certificate.

That wasn't actually Aretha, Kanye just hasn't eaten a Snickers today. #Grammys

Wherever you stand on the death penalty, it's not an insult to the memory of a slain cop to ensure you're executing the right man.#TroyDavis

Nothing more endearing than a pack of "pro-life" Republicans falling all over themselves to praise the death penalty. #tweetthepress

I've come up with a new urban slang term used to describe a former guy friend with whom you've had a falling out: Hasbro. You're welcome.

I half expect Peter Falk to climb out of his grave and be all "Oh, one more thing..."

The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.

Am I my trapper's keeper?

Know what's better than telling women you love 'em? Backing policies that improve their lives. Abusers say "I love you, baby" all the time.

A Catholic newspaper claimed that the devil makes people gay. No word from them yet on who makes the Vatican protect pedophile priests.

Still waiting for Vagisil to unveil their new slogan "99 problems but an itch ain't one."