@sarahpinkc @hrdlyclvr @littlebitlara @fancymaggiekc @rod_leviathan @bythepint @blakestein down for anythng that gets me to #BeachBodCityUSA

I would say I drank enough last night and hit a brick wall, but technically it was a large mirror.

Take a shot every time someone in Portland looks kind of like Max Cavalera.

A Golden Tee machine that takes payments in quarters, bills or cargo shorts.

If you think there's anything better in life than Kramer's face when he rips Frank Costanza's screen door off of its hinges, you'd be wrong.

If something is an 'acquired taste', then nope.

Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-And-The-Rippers

My bologna has a first name, it's Gary. We like to drop acid together behind Sack n' Save.

The name "Chance" is short for "Not A Goddamn Chance You'll Want To Hang Out With Me."

MAY HAVE DONE THAT THING WHERE I DRINK AND PLAY MIKE + THE MECHANICS ON THE JUKEBOX

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'VE BEEN DRINKING AND JUST REALIZED I HAVE NO PLANS FOR WHAT WE WILL DO WHEN BRUCE HORNSBY DIES

Love that one Ozzy song about about how people think he's all crazy cause he does these things that no one gets but he won't change becau

Q: What has two boners and a copy of Loggins & Messina's 2005 one-off reunion album?
A: Me and Jim Messina

Bought tickets to see the Black Keys but it was just Alan Keyes. :(

If anyone's wondering what Timbuk3's up to, I checked Wikipedia and you'll be glad to know the band is hard at work updating their Wikipedia

Be cool if George W. Bush's paintings were all just different renditions of Ronald Reagan making out with a bunch of eagles.

When I die, if someone could delete my Spotify history and all of my tweets before June 2011, I'll let you have any of the leftover porn.

Window sticker of Calvin peeing on a window sticker of Calvin peeing on a window sticker of Calvin peeing on a window sticker of Calvin peei

Just got a bike. #bikes

Let's hope these bombing suspects do to the backwards hat what Hitler did to the toothbrush mustache.