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"Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever
The new Coors light bottle is "resealable." Anyone who has to reseal beer doesn't deserve to drink beer.
I don't have kids, so I think I'm gonna send out Christmas cards with pictures of my bed and TV and free time.
The trouble with cops is if one's a douchebag you can't ask to speak to a manager.
I wonder how Marlon Brando orders a Stella.
Titanic for iPhone users: 🚢👫💗💏🚗✋😱💦💔💀💎
Why do people keep saying if gays can get married next it will be people marrying cats CATS DON'T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS TO SIGN THE LICENSE
Whenever a movie/ TV psychiatrist removes their glasses you know some serious shit is about to be said
If you don't know how to spell Justin Bieber's name, just remember it's "i before e except who gives a shit"
Pretty sure when I call for my husband and his response is "christ, what now" the magic is gone
Anyone who thinks gay marriage leads to goat marriage is thinking way too much about goat marriage
The far right don't support the use of birth control. Ironically, they're the biggest argument for it.
I love when people tell long stories about other people I've never met. That's my favorite!
Ex-president update: Carter curing disease in Africa. Clinton funding student innovation. Bush painting pictures of puppy dogs.
I don't get rape whistles, if I heard one I wouldn't think "rape" I'd think "coach." Then "assistant coach" and then well yeah, rape.
Whenever Facebook friends find you on Twitter it's like when a teacher shows up at the kegger
Rip Torn has the coolest name that includes both the past and present tense of tearing ever.
I'm a storyboard artist on Family Guy. My tweets are probably mostly about cats. I want to hug all the cats.