I look at the prices of these things and I'm like "hahahahaha I'm so poor". #dailyLife

Randy Wills: Medical mystery; growing bald at 17. Will he ever get laid again? Tune in to find out. #breakingNews

I hate Custer.

@__kasshole Maybe this will help: http://t.co/cVwoSi9G

Oh, hey, THAT'S why I don't like parties. I can't talk to people.

I wish I wasn't so forgetful so I could remember the decisions I make.

If God was real what type of accent would he have? #foodForThought

"Hey I really like you, and I wish you liked me back." is pretty much my entire life.

People favorite my tweets but don't retweet them. In response, I will be eating this imaginary cake and sharing none of it. #takeThat

I saw a spider, and it disappeared before I could find something ti capture it with. In related news, I've decided to leave the country.

Summer goal: Go to a party and remind myself why I hate people. I've been slipping lately, I almost smiled at a person earlier. #Oops

I would suggest a Friday the 13th party, but we'd probably have to invite that Jason kid who always wears a mask. #notWorthIt

And this is why I find you little fucking people so fucking disgusting to tolerate. #fuckEveryone

That little sinking feeling when you accidentally close a tab you meant to switch to.

@elbrownkid You drew me once. It was pretty accurate

Guys! The President isn't wearing a flying armor suit with wrist rockets and shooting bad guys. Quick, blame him for the terrorist attacks.

Just want to say that @colemckee and @autagirl_892 put on an amazing performance tonight!

My philosophy is "Yes it's bad, but quit being a cunt about it."

Better check my phone! Yep, still no texts. #ActiveAntisocialite

I feel like I judge what other people find funny too harshly. But then again, if what they thought was funny didn't fucking suck...