If you're going to quote a hometown hero;
1 Make sure its the right hometown
2 Make sure He's a hero and
3 Don't mess it up on national TV

If you're buying a home pregnancy test at Walmart at midnight -- Your prom probably did not go as planned.

Carry cash. Those dancers do not take credit cards.

Was raised in a family where we didn't swear. But man, oh man, could I use an "ing" verb right now

I'll follow you if you follow me? No. I'll follow you if you're funny or interesting. This ain't 7th grade

A Kardashian in the hand is worth two in the...Oh icky icky...Can't finish. Must go wash out my brain now

I'm a morning person, just not in this time zone.

Red Bull, even one Red Bull, is too much for a beagle puppy. Waaaaay to much.

#1 on my bucket list -- Get bucket.

#FF Follow me Friday. So...Follow me.

Other person: Well, that kitchen ain't gonna clean itself. Me: Can we wait a bit longer and see if it might?

Never end a job interview with 'fist bump?'

Due to the NFL lock-out the Minnesota Vikings will not be playing football this year. Same as last year.

Also - Not everybody loves Raymond.

Today's Betty homemaker tip: If you cannot housebreak a puppy, don't have children.

Whatever the opposite of OCD is? I have that.

A man in a kilt should use care when crossing a barb wire fence.

My favorite piece of advice today: Don't. Lick. That.

New rule: No salad dressing that's pre- 2007. #cleanoutthefridge

Note: most illegal fireworks are purchased by beer-drinking uncles. Natch.