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My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Got mad at my GirlFriend .. Until I realized she makes 75% of the money and controls 100% of the Vagina... We're Good now!
I wish I could wear skinny jeans like all the hipster kids.
Sadly, my penis just gets in the way.
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a freaking spoon, Dave. You're not a Jedi."
Apparently, if you accidently star your own tweet... a signal goes out to everyone's phone to tell them what a douche you are.
"Drug Dealers sell Pharmaceuticals.... I am a purveyor of herbal remedies and alternative medicine" - me to the Cops ( & I need bail money)
Me: so how much is 20 grams at 13.75 a gram? Dealer: I don't know you do the meth...
After sex sandwiches? I have a bowl of Ramen with essence of bologna water... You guys must be this 1% they speak of...
Dear Math, I'm sick and tired of finding your "X" for you... Accept the fact she is gone and doesn't love you... Move on Dude!
-Me
So this chick is "all up in my grill"... You know... not half bad with a little BBQ sauce...
Winter Solstice - brought to you by Sun Chips: the official snack food of the solar system...
They KNEW I was a problem in 3rd grade. Teacher said "Write that in cursive" and I wrote " Fuck You Bitch You're not my real Mom" in cursive
Like a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break me open you would find another me inside, only smaller and angrier...
When life gives you Lemons....It is probably because you are close to getting scurvy!!!
Alone and warming his five wits,The White owl in the belfry sits
