I follow funny strangers on Twitter. Why? Because if I knew funny people in real life, I wouldn't need to be on Twitter, dipshit.

Amazing people are like unicorns: they're likely non-existent; BUT if you do find one, you have to catch it, trap it and never let it leave

All wars should be fought with Sock 'em Boppers.

Guess who just woke up? I'll give you a hint -- it's not the stock market, or a dead person ... unless I died. Did I die? Booo ghost tweet

[Talking about furniture] "I like wooden small tables." "You just like wood." "As a lesbian, I really don't."

Obama for 2074!! (Providing that we either freeze him now or invent a time machine)

Time machine for 2012!!

Anti-drug commercials make me want to do drugs more. Girl throwing up in toilet -- must've had a good time to get to that point. Just saying

I was about to make out with a hot chick on a roller coaster in my dream and then my cat woke me up. Asshole.

It's only when you realize consciousness that you can see the beauty in everything again. :)

Consciousness. Most important thing to strive for.

We think we're the highest conscious beings but that couldn't be further from the truth. We're not even a we. Just one. Illusory.

There's only so much seriousness one can retain after seeing how small this little life of ours is. Humanity is ant-like and limited.

I'm thinking I'm going to take advantage of the fact that I look like a little kid and pass off as a publicly drunk, alcoholic 13-year-old.

Being an indirect dick is much worse than just being flat out honest. Quit fucking with people and just tell them the truth. Save the hassle

Until the day I feel one, I refuse to accept the fact that earthquakes exist.

Dude, have you EVER got high and listened to The Lion King Soundtrack? Do it. Do it. Seriously, fucking do it. #seriouslydoitalready

"She's not a nympho, she's bisexual, which by the way means she's accustomed to partners who don't need a map to find the treasure." Hahaha

Sometimes I'm so sure of everything.
Sometimes I'm so sure of nothing.

Where are my pants?! :(

Taking pictures of clouds and running it through some lame colour-filtering software isn't art, children.

My computer has contracted computer stds and I'm too lazy to fix it properly.
Assholes who make malware -- y'all suck major dick.