You haven't lived until you've burst out of a vagina, naked.

"M,ILF" - some weird guy

Just saw two homeless guys makin out. They mustve been hobosexuals.

We have smart phones, smart cars, smart missiles. Where are all the smart people?

I hate when I mistake my cocaine for flour and I waste $4,000 worth in a batch of cookies, and everyone at the picnic dies.

I'm not good around grieving people. I usually get real nervous and ask stupid questions like "Was your mom alive when the tigers ate her?"

My grandmother has Alzheimer's...and I have 365 birthdays.

The road to happiness is paved with birth control.

I bet Julia Roberts could carry on a conversation during a blow job. While eating a cheeseburger.

Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him. So cute!

200 million people on twitter and I think I'm hot shit If I get 10 stars.

It must be hard for vampires to put contacts in their eyes since they can't see themselves in the mirror.

I treat STD's like jumper cables. I pretend I don't have any when people ask.

Twitter Elite? What is this, fucking Black ops?

My self esteem levels are based on twitters ability to calculate how many followers I have.

Some girl just tweeted "I have the best followers ever! I love y'all!" I unfollowed her ass...that'll show her the world is a harsh place

If I had an annoying friend named Matt, I'd take every opportunity I could to tell him "You've worn out your welcome, Matt."

What I like in a woman:
1. My penis
What I don't like in a woman
1. Other guys penises
2. Swords

Owen Wilson and Big Bird once played a game of got your nose, and then forgot who's was who's.

Truth drives a corolla while lies rock a fucking jetpack.