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You haven't lived until you've burst out of a vagina, naked.
"M,ILF" - some weird guy
Just saw two homeless guys makin out. They mustve been hobosexuals.
We have smart phones, smart cars, smart missiles. Where are all the smart people?
I hate when I mistake my cocaine for flour and I waste $4,000 worth in a batch of cookies, and everyone at the picnic dies.
I'm not good around grieving people. I usually get real nervous and ask stupid questions like "Was your mom alive when the tigers ate her?"
My grandmother has Alzheimer's...and I have 365 birthdays.
The road to happiness is paved with birth control.
I bet Julia Roberts could carry on a conversation during a blow job. While eating a cheeseburger.
Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him. So cute!
200 million people on twitter and I think I'm hot shit If I get 10 stars.
It must be hard for vampires to put contacts in their eyes since they can't see themselves in the mirror.
I treat STD's like jumper cables. I pretend I don't have any when people ask.
Twitter Elite? What is this, fucking Black ops?
My self esteem levels are based on twitters ability to calculate how many followers I have.
Some girl just tweeted "I have the best followers ever! I love y'all!" I unfollowed her ass...that'll show her the world is a harsh place
If I had an annoying friend named Matt, I'd take every opportunity I could to tell him "You've worn out your welcome, Matt."
What I like in a woman:
1. My penis
What I don't like in a woman
1. Other guys penises
Owen Wilson and Big Bird once played a game of got your nose, and then forgot who's was who's.
Truth drives a corolla while lies rock a fucking jetpack.
I'm not a bad person, but I have gotten up really early to eat the rest of the cereal before anyone else could.