IM THINKING OF GETTING SUSHI FOR #BRUNCH!! *breastfeeds chilled bottle of white wine* *photographs fingernails* *mainlines yogurt*

A baby doll and a Fleshlight are both human simulacra for us to exercise the urges that are built into our DNA to sustain our species.

"REDUCE EDUCATION !!! INCREASE RETRIBUTION !!! PUNISHMENT GOOD !!! PREVENTION BAD !!!" -- my impression of our society

Instagram on Sunday morning is like a glass display case of all the parties no one wanted me at.

Who decided that horses say "neigh" instead of "eeherherherher?" It's like there're no fucking guidelines for establishing onomatopoeia.

"Intimate cleansing formula" ???
Washin out my flaps isn't intimate. Quit actin like we're best friends, vulva soap.  http://twitpic.com/bher05 

{. _ - }

If someone posts a screen-capt from their phone, show you're a super-sharp cookie + interesting as fuck by remarking on the battery level.

The most socially acceptable way to kill yourself is to let your soul die while your husk continues to generate profits for corporations.

Having adult ADhD is like being the mother of a toddler that lives in your brain and never grows up and isn't even cute.

Dudes. You could always use a pic of a swolled-up larynx as a porn photograph. In a pinch. Like, at the office maybe. pic.twitter.com/rm7DVJYA

Hey guy with long gray hair doing karate exercises at the bus stop, I want to go back to your place and meet your iguana.

I fell asleep at the park on my lunch break. A dog ran up and frenched my mouth. Now I live with him in his castle.

Red lipstick is a simulation of arousal. Smoky eyeshadow is a simulation of a man loves you enough to give you a black eye.

Have you ever looked at a pile of waiting room magazines and felt like OH MY GOD I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THIS WHOLE WORLD

I have this irrational fear of abduction. I even avoid that spready-legs weight machine at the gym.

Is Paul Simon small enough to inject into my blood stream? I'd like for him to go in there. hop on in, Paul

A cool way to insult someone: always use finger quotes when saying their name.

Oh, I'm the kind of smart that makes me angry, not successful.

This :P guy Ronald used to call me every day to hang out, but I didn't want to. AT ALL. Now I live in fear of being someone else's Ronald.