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I like to find my unfollowers in person and say I'm not done talking to you and proceed to tell them four more tweets they missed.
Her: Your cock is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.
My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.
Heimlich? I thought you said hind lick.
Next time don't talk w/ food in your mouth and I won't tongue your ass in Applebees.
I buy condoms that are too small and act like my cock is so turned on by her that it hulks out and rips it apart.
It's called showmanship.
If you put me in a straight jacket i'll still find a way to masturbate.
The made up shit on Twitter is way funnier than the made up shit you hear in church.
Her tits were so great I didn't notice her candle waxing a pentagram on my chest & chanting while riding me. Where did that goat come from?
Until your urine stream becomes flammable don't tell me how much you drink.
I've been around strippers so much recently I sneeze glitter and false hope.
Belly shots on skinny girls are fun but fat chicks have a punch bowl and that means less refilling.
Losing followers over a religion tweet only validates my decision to compose it in the first place.
After a first date I drive by the cemetery and point to two headstones and say someday that will be us then take her for ice cream.
I'm a worder of words. Everything I say is true, don't dispute me!
