Most girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

I'm made of liquor and wit and SO full of shit.

I'm pretty sure "No strings attached" is guy code for "I'm emotionally retarded, but your vagina sounds neat!"

So Bin Laden was "buried at sea"? You know who else was dumped in the ocean? Megatron.

Oh, Kanye. You are the turducken of the music world. A gifted artist stuffed in a crazy person stuffed in a total douchebag.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Dear Congress: Before you shout "baby killer", remember that 5,378 babies have been killed fighting in Afghanistan/Iraq.

The only guys who like girls with brains are zombies.

Holy crap! I forgot to have coffee today! What else did I forget? WHERE IS MY BABY?!? Wait, do I have one of those? DO I HAVE A BABY?!?

I will henceforth refer to adjusting my boobs as "setting phasers to stun."

Michelle Duggar is pregnant again? Forget Mexico. We should build a fence between her vag and the real world.

Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.

I like how babies always look drunk. Even after only one beer.

Favrd will be back. Probably playing for the Jets.

"He was a different Mitt Romney for the last 15 min. of the #debate"? He's been a different Mitt Romney every 15 min. his entire campaign.

Black Friday shopping? No thank you. If I wanted to hang out with that many assholes, I'd join the Republican Party.

I'm still pulling for Ann Coulter to win the Nobel Piece of Shit Prize.

GUYS! I FOUND OUT HOW TO MAKE A SHAMROCK SHAKE! It's half vanilla milkshake, half peppermint schnapps and half where did my pants go?

I bet Take Your Child To Work Day is really awkward at Planned Parenthood.

When my ex-boyfriend calls me "the one who got away," it makes me worry about the ones who didn't get away. And where they may be buried.

U.S. presidents in character map form: ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☻