Officer, Is this ticket good for the entire day? Because I'm going to have to drive twice as fast to be on time now after our little "chat."

A fun thing to do with your single earrings is to leave them in the backseat of unlocked cars. I like to leave a used thong, too.Good times!

"Time to eat!" - What I would say to my kids if I actually cooked them dinner.

Didja know they sell a product to cover your nips so they don't poke through your shirt? Dumbest idea ever! Visible nipples=free shit DUH!

So...how do you think Kate Middleton will "accidently" die after the divorce?

Just had a sneezing fit. Thirteen sneezes in a row and I didn't piss on myself. #teamkegel

I see that there is a star shortage. I'm doing my part by imposing a strict one star limit for my tweets. Your welcome, Universe.

Today, let's not forget what the day is about. Microwaving Peeps!

Something is wrong with my friend's camera. It made me look fat and dumpy. I'm gonna get her a new one for her birthday.

Not to toot my own horn, but one of my tweets has TWO stars! Yep. Today Me is twice as good as Yesterday Me. Toot-toot muthafuckas!

Twitter is like a pond. There is scum at the top and broke down piece of shit cars at the bottom. Hi! I'm a 1976 Pinto. Nice to meet you!

I take shit from no one. Why? Shit's nasty! But, if you are into that sort of thing, fine by me. I don't judge. You know who you are.

Remember when everybody used to tweet about Osama? ---Me this afternoon. Hopefully.

Do you ever come to work in the morning and check twitter only to have someone nudge you and say it's time for lunch?

Woo hoo! 69 followers! You are cordially invited to join me* in a celebratory mouth** to genitals extravaganza!

*in spirit
**hand

Party!!

I slept alone last night and loved every minute of it. I'm not sure what you single girls are bitching about.

WAIT! Fox is reporting Usama Bin Laden is dead. I think that is Osama's cousin. The hunt continues....

All these reporters are telling everything. Obama's speech will consist of "Yeah, what they said. God Bless America. And Suck it Trump!"

Sign up because someone may need a lung someday, and mine will likely be rejected due to tar content. #donatelife.net

Shelters are set up across the south for those who lost their cable or satellite service to see the Royal Wedding tomorrow.