Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

88 is the fat peoples version of 69

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

I work as a plumber and when my tweet gets a star i run around invincible doing flips until my theme music returns to normal speed

Elevator rides are fun. They only get uncomfortable when you wake up in a full one naked at 3 in the afternoon with a cucumber in your ass.

My girlfriend and I both starfuck when we're bored. Difference is I do it while shitting she does it during sex.

milk is showing missing children again but now they target obese children and to fit the pictures on the cartons your milk now has 33% more

me and lady gaga are in a race to see who can get more followers shes winning and she has a bigger penis then me this isnt a proud moment

its more awkard to shake another mans hand then it is to have your ass slapped while changing at the gym

I dropped my wallet and a homeless guy returned it. I didnt notice anything missing until I needed my condom. Now my dog might be pregnant

staring your own tweet is like having sex with your sister it feels great but is not ok unless your at a NASCAR tailgate party

Female cops are great but need to get a sense of humor I cant be the only guy to mistake them for strippers showing up to a house party

Tried yodeling this morning but I was terrible. So I put on a leotard and hooked up jumper cables to moms civic and my balls as punishment

You know it was me that robbed you if your out of toilet paper, meatspin is your browsers homepage and your dogs pregnant.

Today i wanted to go to the zoo to see the lions. Instead i choked myself with my belt and burned myself with cigarettes.

Wearing green on saint pattys day is fun but i choose not to wear any because i count the gangrene growing on my balls

i just had sex with a mouse and he had the nerve to ask if its in yet. i didnt know mice could fucking talk

For Sale: One parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain

Spoiler Alert! the hunger games is just a huge hungery hungery hippos tournament

I firmly believe my penis can solve all your problems. Just talk to him, hes pretty smart