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  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Even the Winchester boys would be afraid . . . http://t.co/ZC949h7

    • 156
    • FAVS
    Almost_maybeGuille_sppChicorelliStarwalking_chickPink__PorcelaindwzdladyfiletDanielle0421
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    NRheesjoannaingSavingMila7SarasotaMermaiddwzdDanielle0421PPCorkBonJovi32
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.

    • 58
    • FAVS
    misterbrymofree_misterbCali420nia_LukeRodneyLeMacksSuziepoozGinGanderInnHumanscott_towel
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    free_misterbCali420nia_LukemiawkoueiamthewahibGinGanderInnHumanalllyyyaaayyystephlevac
    InnHuman
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb

    • 56
    • FAVS
    free_misterb__rishi__witchybitchygalscott_towelvinfuryCrissyFlorenciaMorganlizbeth81nancygilmore41
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    witchybitchygalscott_towelvinfuryFavstar500FavscrunchenhancerPetiteRainCityTheMoriartyThetkhan74
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    free_misterbTheBeerGuy73bcj79LizzieEMBstaceouterspacedambuster633UFOTaylordaemonic3
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    staceouterspaceUFOTaylordaemonic3bedhairwritingcrunchenhancerTuibtFavstar500FavsJenniferMac78
    gwatts77
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?

    • 60
    • FAVS
    misterbrymofree_misterbbcj79GodivaInBlueLilyConquestvinfuryRichBeingRichhuntigula
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    free_misterbGodivaInBluevinfuryFavstar500FavscrunchenhancerTuibtInnHumantkhan74
    InnHumanPazerLenis
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    We need a name for people who wear Google glasses and are doing something else while talking to you. Hmmm … Wait. I have it: glassholes.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    misterbrymofree_misterbRichBeingRichkevinrowe1queeenvkbedhairwriting2nsoccerpoodlesonmeds____
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    free_misterbLizzieEMBmishelebthe_couch_guy____bedhairwritingcrunchenhancerChargersbrideejmichaels1
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Not all serial killers are loners. Many follow other people on Twitter. People like you, maybe.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    __rishi__witchybitchygalangiearshadVerifiedDrunkKimKardashsToecynicanoldicusRichBeingRichdeerlung
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    witchybitchygalcynicanoldicusbigkickgoBOOMhuntigulaCodeNameBobbieSpookyTeenWitchAlexisAdkins_MexiBeezy
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    daftsaladRichBeingRichgehrodactylhuntigulaskonqfocksCocktopusRexBrandonBrzalaynajoyy
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    RichBeingRichhuntigulaKidd_VidTheeRobinDoerrJHottie_ekuhn95BrandonBrzJasonJackMiller
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Remember when getting shagged meant nailing a stringy carpet to your floor instead of just nailing a stringy carpet?

    • 46
    • FAVS
    bedhairwritingInnHumanVoiceofgarthInATwist__________ejmichaels1adamjamesdaleybyrdfacekillaDynamicHorror
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    bedhairwritingejmichaels1adamjamesdaleygwatts77chopper4jkpiplipsSaraESpiveyfavstar_pop
    Naggalie__________
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?

    • 36
    • FAVS
    HuajatollaChicaGooSelifevinfurydaftsaladFLCL81RichBeingRichxtuttifrootideerlung
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    aGooSelifeLizzieEMBvinfuryRichBeingRichhuntigulacynicanoldicusFishOutOfH2O_Precocious_V
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    A true mobile device would walk across the room when you needed it.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    notstatepetiteunojeffreyr77onedavedeepangiearshadmattmaniccynicanoldicusLovestruckLayla
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    petiteunoaGooSelifeLizzieEMBonedavedeepcynicanoldicusbigkickgoBOOMRunwayDanOberoiVarun13
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Judging from the Black Friday videos taken at Walmarts throughout the land, World Cup soccer fans know a sale when they see it.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    RichBeingRichhuntigulaYaGonnaEatThatPetraHuelmanMsMirandawritestheDanLawlerkatskradle2000Miniwheats2012
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    MsMirandawriteskatskradle2000SLorenzen62Broker_By_Daywlnixon2000Your_M0MsMaggieDaggerRobny75
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Social media has overtaken porn as the No. 1 activity on the web. Shit, this really is a sick society.

    • 28
    • FAVS
    daftsaladFLCL81RichBeingRichdeerlungLJbougehuntigulaCordeliaReginabedhairwriting
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    RichBeingRichLJbougehuntigulagreedymunchkinbedhairwritingSLorenzen62mrbanglacoorc5
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    About 5% of all U.S. potatoes become French fries at McDonald's. I assume the other 95% is used by Twitter users who drink vodka.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    _theMisTsecondhandfrowncervixsmashvinfurySkwerlbaitThe_DorksterrantingreznikMissy_Kell
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    secondhandfrownNJSailRacerpandonenchevGiovanniAlabisosoxxlewisWaterBabyyAsheBadasztrixiebellbell
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Indecent exposure leads to 52nd arrest since 1983 for Florida man. Cops retire his file cabinet drawers to honor him. http://t.co/mYBCvpHN

    • 25
    • FAVS
    chopper4jkooohgirlshockmeF1RacingleagueLiveTelecastProleforcemice97DaIeFinchdanage123oguzekinci1
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    mehmetekici07__leforcemice97D4ruuLiveTelecastProRonaldo_sssssCopyDontRetweethallex_____oguzekinci1
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    My job is to make you laugh. Sure, Congress does a better job at it, but I don't tax you for it.

    • 34
    • FAVS
    AnAbsurdBirdvinfuryquikonthedrawKyleWBuchanandillejyDavePrimeauhyperblastchicElectronomicon_
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    DavePrimeauhyperblastchicrodbarrogamickeyksuDykstraDamebluberreez_MayowaOmoT_AJ_Rutten
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Scientists: Couples do start to look alike as they age. *Moment of silence for Steve Buscemi's wife*

    • 31
    • FAVS
    scott_towelWalterLacyzebracakeeKashyapWebooKimKardashsToeGodivaInBlueHuIIabalooPseudoAdult
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    scott_towelGinGanderGodivaInBluePseudoAdultCheryeDavisDennisInOttawaBridwellKristenLostDreamWeaver
    GodivaInBlue
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    Has anybody heard from Sloopy recently? Was she able to hang on all these years?

    • 29
    • FAVS
    huntigula_Moon_Emperor_envyinohioVoiceofgarthjoeinthejeepPurpell_Nurpell__chelliet22kjoy1019
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    matthewhottkevinreedmusicSobeWharfkjoy1019AskAuntieEm1crunchenhancer1par8headSal0630
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    I won't name names, but only because I can't remember them.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    secondhandfrownThePhoenixORogersultryTruculent67courtney0kayDishy2101loribuckmajorOne_FineMess
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    web_supergirlRogersultrycourtney0kaybig_twittsrandomlawlessJandalizetorprchickMichiganKelly
  • AlanFelyk
      Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk

    I think it’s backwards. I’d rather be aggressive-passive. Beat someone’s face to a pulp, then walk away like I’m not mad.

    • 28
    • FAVS
    huntigulaVoiceofgarthsexncaketheschmeltzchopper4jkJisforJanitorjonslowslowlyeroding__
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    sexncakeSilverKickpiplipsMyMonkeyTouch__MariaaahhidontwantojoinDanDoofusfavstar_pop
@AlanFelyk

@AlanFelyk

Writer with a personal experiences book: Damaged Right Out Of The Box on http://Amazon.com. Well, we all have to have our excuses . . .