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We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb
In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.
It’s all a joke until one of them gets elected president.
When people say “let’s just agree to disagree,” I always say no.
Tupac Shakur won more awards after he died than he did while he was alive. Has anybody told Kanye West this?
We need a name for people who wear Google glasses and are doing something else while talking to you. Hmmm … Wait. I have it: glassholes.
Somewhere some lucky bastard is getting the silent treatment instead of hearing about her day.
Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
Not all serial killers are loners. Many follow other people on Twitter. People like you, maybe.
I hate people who recite Beatles' lyrics to me when I find myself in times of trouble.
If Buffalo can survive 84 inches of snow, I can survive 2 inches of dust on my furniture.
A true mobile device would walk across the room when you needed it.
Remember when getting shagged meant nailing a stringy carpet to your floor instead of just nailing a stringy carpet?
Pineapple is a natural painkiller. So is the vodka that I pour into it. A win-win.
I truly have no Equal, but there's Splenda in the kitchen. Author of Damaged Right Out Of The Box: http://amzn.to/1drootb. Upcoming: http://bit.ly/1dbarfb.
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