Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb
I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
We need a name for people who wear Google glasses and are doing something else while talking to you. Hmmm … Wait. I have it: glassholes.
What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.
Remember when getting shagged meant nailing a stringy carpet to your floor instead of just nailing a stringy carpet?
Not all serial killers are loners. Many follow other people on Twitter. People like you, maybe.
Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
A true mobile device would walk across the room when you needed it.
Judging from the Black Friday videos taken at Walmarts throughout the land, World Cup soccer fans know a sale when they see it.
Social media has overtaken porn as the No. 1 activity on the web. Shit, this really is a sick society.
About 5% of all U.S. potatoes become French fries at McDonald's. I assume the other 95% is used by Twitter users who drink vodka.
Has anybody heard from Sloopy recently? Was she able to hang on all these years?
My job is to make you laugh. Sure, Congress does a better job at it, but I don't tax you for it.
I think it’s backwards. I’d rather be aggressive-passive. Beat someone’s face to a pulp, then walk away like I’m not mad.
Scientists: Couples do start to look alike as they age. *Moment of silence for Steve Buscemi's wife*
"I know precisely why you're upset." —Said no man to no woman, ever.
Writer with a personal experiences book: Damaged Right Out Of The Box on http://Amazon.com. Well, we all have to have our excuses . . .