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We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb
In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.
We need a name for people who wear Google glasses and are doing something else while talking to you. Hmmm … Wait. I have it: glassholes.
I hate people who recite Beatles' lyrics to me when I find myself in times of trouble.
When people say “let’s just agree to disagree,” I always say no.
Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
Not all serial killers are loners. Many follow other people on Twitter. People like you, maybe.
If Buffalo can survive 84 inches of snow, I can survive 2 inches of dust on my furniture.
A true mobile device would walk across the room when you needed it.
Remember when getting shagged meant nailing a stringy carpet to your floor instead of just nailing a stringy carpet?
I'm afraid to look up phobias on Wikipedia.
Judging from the Black Friday videos taken at Walmarts throughout the land, World Cup soccer fans know a sale when they see it.
Social media has overtaken porn as the No. 1 activity on the web. Shit, this really is a sick society.
When she left never to return again, he finally won the I-love-you-more argument.
About 5% of all U.S. potatoes become French fries at McDonald's. I assume the other 95% is used by Twitter users who drink vodka.
My job is to make you laugh. Sure, Congress does a better job at it, but I don't tax you for it.
Working on Damaged Beyond All Recognition, a novel inspired by the writings of Kurt Vonnegut: http://bit.ly/1dbarfb. Current book: http://amzn.to/1drootb