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We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb
I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
It’s all a joke until one of them gets elected president.
What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.
When people say “let’s just agree to disagree,” I always say no.
Somewhere some lucky bastard is getting the silent treatment instead of hearing about her day.
Tupac Shakur won more awards after he died than he did while he was alive. Has anybody told Kanye West this?
We need a name for people who wear Google glasses and are doing something else while talking to you. Hmmm … Wait. I have it: glassholes.
Not all serial killers are loners. Many follow other people on Twitter. People like you, maybe.
I hate people who recite Beatles' lyrics to me when I find myself in times of trouble.
I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I truly have no Equal, but there's Splenda in the kitchen. Author of Damaged Right Out Of The Box: http://amzn.to/1drootb. Upcoming: http://bit.ly/1dbarfb.
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