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We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb
In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.
When people say “let’s just agree to disagree,” I always say no.
Tupac Shakur won more awards after he died than he did while he was alive. Has anybody told Kanye West this?
We need a name for people who wear Google glasses and are doing something else while talking to you. Hmmm … Wait. I have it: glassholes.
Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
Not all serial killers are loners. Many follow other people on Twitter. People like you, maybe.
I hate people who recite Beatles' lyrics to me when I find myself in times of trouble.
If Buffalo can survive 84 inches of snow, I can survive 2 inches of dust on my furniture.
A true mobile device would walk across the room when you needed it.
Remember when getting shagged meant nailing a stringy carpet to your floor instead of just nailing a stringy carpet?
Pineapple is a natural painkiller. So is the vodka that I pour into it. A win-win.
I'm afraid to look up phobias on Wikipedia.
Social media has overtaken porn as the No. 1 activity on the web. Shit, this really is a sick society.
I truly have no Equal, but there's Splenda in the kitchen. Author of Damaged Right Out Of The Box: http://amzn.to/1drootb. Upcoming: http://bit.ly/1dbarfb.
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