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We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
It’s all a joke until one of them gets elected president.
I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb
I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
Old man’s thug life: Pulling up to a stop light, rolling down the windows, blasting Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” on the stereo, chugging Ensure.
My very FIRST Twitter follower unfollowed me. After more than 5 years. I guess she finally got around to reading one of my tweets.
A true mobile device would walk across the room when you needed it.
When people say “let’s just agree to disagree,” I always say no.
What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.
The best part of dying in your sleep would be not hearing the alarm clock in the morning.
I love to touch people’s lives.
Just to watch them recoil.
Somewhere some lucky bastard is getting the silent treatment instead of hearing about her day.
When you realize you have all the side of effects of a drug you’re not taking.
I truly have no Equal, but there's Splenda in the kitchen. Author of Damaged Right Out Of The Box: http://amzn.to/1drootb. Tweets: http://bit.ly/25Dmc7l.
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