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I cut my cell phone bill in half, but the lady at Verizon said I might as well tape the two pieces together and pay up. #fb
In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
We need a name for people who wear Google glasses and are doing something else while talking to you. Hmmm … Wait. I have it: glassholes.
Remember when getting shagged meant nailing a stringy carpet to your floor instead of just nailing a stringy carpet?
What a coincidence that Dave Matthews joined a band that bore the same name.
Judging from the Black Friday videos taken at Walmarts throughout the land, World Cup soccer fans know a sale when they see it.
Not all serial killers are loners. Many follow other people on Twitter. People like you, maybe.
Has anybody heard from Sloopy recently? Was she able to hang on all these years?
Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
I think it’s backwards. I’d rather be aggressive-passive. Beat someone’s face to a pulp, then walk away like I’m not mad.
"Follow me, I follow back." Hey, numb nuts. We can see this on your Twitter page: Following: 11. Followers: 2,788.
There’s a difference between using Tucks and a Clorox Disinfecting Wipe. Perhaps the wife could stop rearranging things in the bathroom. #fb
I’m not ready to come out of the closet. After all, she’s getting undressed in the bedroom, and I don’t want to scare her. #fb
History repeats itself. But usually only the shitty events.
I don't trust my GPS system. It still can't tell me where the lost continent of Atlantis is.
Someone stole my credit card number. So I rang up a few more thousand on it, then phoned the bank.
Writer with a personal experiences book: Damaged Right Out Of The Box on http://Amazon.com. Well, we all have to have our excuses . . .