@carlyyyy you rock, don't change.

What do Mohawk Honda and I have in common? We'll go out of our way to please you. #ladies

Dear Michelle Duggar,
"Does your vagina hang low? Does it wobble to and fro? You should have tied it in a knot or scrunched it in a bow."

Cats and box wine #thingsimthankfulfor

If I were to translate my status in life into food, I'd be a steuffers frozen chicken parm dinner and flat orange soda.

@carlyyyy Amanda please.

For Halloween this year, I'm going as someone who gives a fuck.

Hypothesis: the more wine I drink, the faster the floors will dry.

Siri, where's waldo?

Capitalization is the difference between: I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse, and I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

Bucket list item #2: find a job that isn't a grocery store.

I wonder if Carmen Sandiego is on 4Square.

@jeharrington so UAlbany is 3/3 in awesome art history professors.

Do you ever rub your calf to your thigh and pretend you're a cricket? Hahahahah...yea...me neither.

Tonight is brought to you by: self pity. Making you feel better since 1989.

@bepreston12 that'll be awkward.

20 years ago, my life ended. @bepreston12

It's a Wednesday night, and I'm drunk on boxed wine. Good news: I'm using my English degree as a coaster. #hatethoserings

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's valvaline. #blackfacejoke

Giving a fuck is the leading cause of stress in today's society.