A Canadian woman shot in the eye, refused medical treatment until she finished her beer. If you know this woman, give her my number.

<--- treats objects like women...and feels ok about that.

Bullies on Twitter piss me off.

Alex Trebek: Excessive amounts of vibrators, dildos & porn.

Contestant: What is…things they edit out of Hoarders, Alex.

Sext: I finished the antibiotics.

I miss the romance of a mixed tape.

According to TMZ, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are set to divorce. I guess Katie's "pretend we are a straight couple" contract has expired.

I've decided that I'm going to create my own small country and then ask the United States for a monetary bailout.

I want my next lovemaking session to be in Spanish with English subtitles.
Did I forget to mention this is with Sofía Vergara?

Don't look at me. - everyone in an elevator

Co-worker: I miss golden showers in Hawaii.
Me:What?
Co-worker:You know, when it's sunny & it rains.
I then encouraged her to tell everyone.

Let me know if you plan to undress me with your eyes so I can put on clean underwear.

Tweeting about marriage equality lost me followers today. Prob because the Bible says lesbians are acceptable in porn but not in marriage.

I’m going to waste my potential today.