Is Twitter acting weird for anyone else? I've been trying to post things all day and I'm not famous yet.

My grandfather, who never missed a single Notre Dame home game, would be absolutely heartbroken if he found out about Manti Te'o or existed.

Animals always know when a storm's coming, because they can stay home and watch the news all day.

Licking your lips is the sexiest way to get someone to notice how chapped they are.

Is anyone else starting to get the feeling that Kim Kardashian only does things for the attention?

I’ll try anything once. Twice, if no one appreciates how funny and awesome of me it was the first time.

Snooki’s pregnancy is proof Americans have their priorities all wrong. The troops should be the first to find out, not people on Twitter.

If Tiger Woods doesn't win the Masters, I won't know the golfer who does.

Birds fly because it's impossible not to laugh at how they walk.

Even when I was a kid, I knew I was going to grow up to become either an astronaut or realistic.

It's too bad you can't attend your own funeral. I'd really love to hear what everyone has to say about where they're going to eat afterwards

"How about Lenny?" "Lenny? As a name for a fake girlfriend? You're going to go with Lenny?" "No, I said, uh Lennay. It's French."

One of the few bright spots of the Petraeus investigation is that those "Female Body Inspector" t-shirts seem official now.

As far as I'm concerned, a pancake is a meal, a waffle is a dessert, and this tweet is a reminder that I'm going to die someday.

Accidentally poking someone back on Facebook is like getting an erection when they sit on your lap.

I like free pizza as much as the next guy, which is why I'm glad I'm ahead of him in line.

Tim Tebow signing with the Patriots makes sense because nothing about Tim Tebow or the Patriots makes sense.

Million dollar idea: apology cards for turning fourteen.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it means it's probably not a box of toaster strudel and, therefore, socially acceptable.

The most difficult thing about eating healthy is dying anyway.