Girls don't dress for boys, they dress for themselves.. If girls dressed for boys, they'd be naked all the time.

Before you ask someone why they hate you. Ask yourself why you even fucking care.

Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them before they respond.
Men are like Blackberries. Rub one ball and everything moves!

Vodka....it's what's for dinner! :)

Looks like its FUCK-this-shit-o'clock! ;)

Dear EX..

I won't block you, or delete you. I'm keeping you there, so you're able to see how happy I am without you! :)

S.I.L.F:

(Sorry, liver. It's Friday)

My phone should come with a breathalyzer.

I'd you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it & shove it up your ass!

Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone less attractive than you!

Perfect description of TRUST:
Giving someone the ABILITY to destroy you completely, BUT at the same time being CONFIDENT that they won't!

I can hear Monday morning already whispering "go fuck yourself" into my ear!

You drink too much, swear too much and have questionable morals.. You're everything I've ever wanted in a man! :p

Just because I don't ask to suck your dick doesn't mean I don't want to.

The dog whisperer is very impressive but I need the # of the
"smartass-teenager-whisperer"

I lost my virginity, buy I still have the box it came in!!!

My ass hurts from reading all your tweets

I swear, we live in an era of smart phones and stupid people..

I wish I was star fucked, I mean I wish I was fucked so I could see stars. 🌟🌟🌟

I'm not one of those silly "salad only" eaters on a date... Friday I will be swallowing lobster and steak!

(maybe something else)