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I hope no earthquake strikes Christmas Island. That's where Santa is vacationing! :(
Let a car go in front of me only to find she had a "Jersey Girl" and GOP bumper sticker. Now I know how it feels to support terrorism
"I have the perfect girl for you!" - Friend
"Is she unavailable in anyway?" - Me
"No." - friend
"Then she's probably not my type." -Me
There's two Bushes I want to destroy, and you just became priority one. #terroristpillowtalk
If it was #onlyblackpeople trending, I'm pretty certain Al Sharpton would burn down Twitter's headquarters. #equality?
We have 41 minutes until skynet becomes self-aware. Fuck!
For being such a modest mouse they sure come on my pandora radio stations a lot.
Stephen Hawking said that there is no heaven. I think he's just upset there's no handicap ramp.
#wordsthatcanstartawar "we just discovered a lot of oil!"
Ladies- please. If I see paw prints tattooed on your body I am going to assume you're getting with animals.
Go away, Gypsy cabs. Not drunk enough to take you tonight.
I'd like to personally thank Irene for being the lone volunteer in many, many years to give New Jersey a proper bath.
I spend my life either drunk, dreaming or repeating the same old shit. I spend my life either ...