I hope no earthquake strikes Christmas Island. That's where Santa is vacationing! :(

Let a car go in front of me only to find she had a "Jersey Girl" and GOP bumper sticker. Now I know how it feels to support terrorism

"I have the perfect girl for you!" - Friend
"Is she unavailable in anyway?" - Me
"No." - friend
"Then she's probably not my type." -Me

There's two Bushes I want to destroy, and you just became priority one. #terroristpillowtalk

@barackobama is definitely getting laid tonight. #americafuckyeah

If it was #onlyblackpeople trending, I'm pretty certain Al Sharpton would burn down Twitter's headquarters. #equality?

We have 41 minutes until skynet becomes self-aware. Fuck!

For being such a modest mouse they sure come on my pandora radio stations a lot.

@thedebauchee @theasianplayboy @abcofattraction - Men, follow them and learn. Never be too stubborn to get better with women

Some of the best people I follow: @ya_mumshouse @wwm_shakespeare @teamzoobach @thedebauchee @tackie_jackie @ixseanxi

@laurel_anne_ I usually handle it like a breakup. "LOOK AT ALL MY NEW, MORE CLEVER FOLLOWERS. THIS ONE STARRED MY TWEET" (I.e. With lies)

Stephen Hawking said that there is no heaven. I think he's just upset there's no handicap ramp.

#wordsthatcanstartawar "we just discovered a lot of oil!"

Ladies- please. If I see paw prints tattooed on your body I am going to assume you're getting with animals.

#famouslies "No, I'm just going up to congratulate Ms. Swift" - @kanyewest

#ff @fthc @johnberna @fakeproblems @zachweiner @joeycameau @jesus_m_christ @tweetzzapizza (especially the last if you're shady + in Albany)

@arubamarriott I want to go to Aruba! pic.twitter.com/1CiHaE8m

@conedison your customer service is atrocious. Two days without power. Representative: "you're not important". Awesome work guys. #bs

Go away, Gypsy cabs. Not drunk enough to take you tonight.

I'd like to personally thank Irene for being the lone volunteer in many, many years to give New Jersey a proper bath.