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Crows are probably smart enough to start a petition to change their name to Licorice Doves.
If I had a helicopter 1) I would paint it like a seagull 2) it would have a special door on it to drop garbage bags of milk out of it.
If you leave the house you'll almost instantly find someone you hate more than yourself!
No one ever mentions how being brave, honest, compassionate and doing your best, is fucking exhausting. *rips open cookies"
I lined a box with a soft towel and put it in the back yard in case any sort of momma animal wants to have any sort of baby animal in it .
After a glass of wine she whispered into his ear "my pelvis is out of alignment" and winked so hard that her eyebrow fell off.
Happy Valentines day! I hope you are not in a relationship built on lies!
I'm here to tell you that not caring about the Oscars is a great feeling.
What is the German word for when you think you see a mini pig going for a walk but when you get closer it is just a fat chihuahua?
"I LOVE YOU" she screamed internally as she watched the soft, fat, yellow lab puppy sloppily walk away.
Tina Fey is pregnant!!! I hope she is pregnant with me and then she will be my mommy!
I am guessing we had no idea that the internet would hurt our feelings so much right?
Seriously- I am a Doctor Of Love so you should let me touch your wiener with this stick I found in the wood pile. Yes, that is a slug on it.
Oh, I can assure you I can't use that in my next comedy "skit".
What time should I get off social media by so it looks like I made plans tonight?
Hypothetically, how many raccoons would make a really good raccoon choir? What if I, hypothetically, already had three who sing beautifully?
I just want all the men out there to know that women don't smile when they put on deodorant.
people with dogs have a social obligation to let people without dogs pet their dogs and whisper into their ears "You are the softest".
I don't know much, but when a person tells you they are "super honest" and "tells it like it is" they are almost always very, very mean.
Comedian. Co-ghost of Retail Nightmares Podcast. Host of Alicia Tobin's Come Draw with Me. Holistic Nutritionist. Regretful omnivore.
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