Crows are probably smart enough to start a petition to change their name to Licorice Doves.

If I had a helicopter 1) I would paint it like a seagull 2) it would have a special door on it to drop garbage bags of milk out of it.

I lined a box with a soft towel and put it in the back yard in case any sort of momma animal wants to have any sort of baby animal in it .

Tina Fey is pregnant!!! I hope she is pregnant with me and then she will be my mommy!

Seriously- I am a Doctor Of Love so you should let me touch your wiener with this stick I found in the wood pile. Yes, that is a slug on it.

Hypothetically, how many raccoons would make a really good raccoon choir? What if I, hypothetically, already had three who sing beautifully?

I've double checked and everything is dumb and everybody is stupid.

This chair is so mad pic.twitter.com/DvrQVnC6

Do they say stuff in naked movies like "Would the genlteman like to see the Frau's undercarriage"? tell me everything? Do they mouth kiss?

Let me guess your pets weight by picking them up and burying my face in their neck and crying.

When you are really close with someone, when there is real trust, and no secrets, you can ask them if they think zombies could really happen

I had poutine for dinner so if i get eaten by a shark tonight & they open his stomach, and then they see me and open my stomach=poutine.

I just take pictures of food to make two of my friends, who hate it when people take pictures of food, angry. It's incredibly rewarding .

I am seriously considering buying a donkey I just saw for sale for 50$. Cool transportation, friendship, and ear so softs for only 50$?

"Wow- they could totally fall over right now"- Me regarding all sports in the Olympics and all other sports. You guys are gonna fall over.

Can anybody recommend the best type of bird to make a small sailor suit for and a tiny cap? I started on owls but they each tried to kill me

I just told a 5 year old that I can eat a whole chicken.

If I wanted to read the tweets of human garbage I would follow them. Please stop retweeting racists/homophobes/Donald Trump. Barf! BARF!!!!

Your Momma's so fat she has a really hard time finding clothes that fit- but she's lovely and gorgeous and is a good mom and great person.

I get it you have a feather in your hair. Now take it out.