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Crows are probably smart enough to start a petition to change their name to Licorice Doves.
If you leave the house you'll almost instantly find someone you hate more than yourself!
No one ever mentions how being brave, honest, compassionate and doing your best, is fucking exhausting. *rips open cookies"
If I had a helicopter 1) I would paint it like a seagull 2) it would have a special door on it to drop garbage bags of milk out of it.
I lined a box with a soft towel and put it in the back yard in case any sort of momma animal wants to have any sort of baby animal in it .
After a glass of wine she whispered into his ear "my pelvis is out of alignment" and winked so hard that her eyebrow fell off.
I'm here to tell you that not caring about the Oscars is a great feeling.
What is the German word for when you think you see a mini pig going for a walk but when you get closer it is just a fat chihuahua?
"I LOVE YOU" she screamed internally as she watched the soft, fat, yellow lab puppy sloppily walk away.
Tina Fey is pregnant!!! I hope she is pregnant with me and then she will be my mommy!
I am guessing we had no idea that the internet would hurt our feelings so much right?
Seriously- I am a Doctor Of Love so you should let me touch your wiener with this stick I found in the wood pile. Yes, that is a slug on it.
Oh, I can assure you I can't use that in my next comedy "skit".
Hypothetically, how many raccoons would make a really good raccoon choir? What if I, hypothetically, already had three who sing beautifully?
I just want all the men out there to know that women don't smile when they put on deodorant.
people with dogs have a social obligation to let people without dogs pet their dogs and whisper into their ears "You are the softest".
Turn that giant gaping hole in your life into a pool so everyone can enjoy it!
Remember when the media was treating Jessica Simpson like a meat pig but now she's back to being a sexual hole to pummel? Life is good.
I am a comedian. Co-ghost of Retail Nightmares Podcast. Host of Alicia Tobin's Come Draw with Me. Cookbook author.Holistic Nutritionist.
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