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  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Ooh, there's a guy smoking an e-cigarette at the bus stop, I better undo another button on my blouse.

    • 1,455
    • FAVS
    jeremyvipondSophiesStandUpprincessbriiinaraitoaviJperson_56younggarbagecannpaige7HellaHeiner
    • 603
    • RETWEETS
    SuscatsaysIAMTYLERPERRYoldwaffleshoppebengelfandthebigG_69official_chrisgleeshakanbourVerendusRyan
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Crows are probably smart enough to start a petition to change their name to Licorice Doves.

    • 225
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    _Miss_CaraBabetteJonesdenzquixabedulergregg_mcCrappy_Face_PicMensHumidoryoyoha
    • 255
    • RETWEETS
    BabetteJonessassysamiralettuce_fetishperiferierironisktvitMThunderpowerDanofreemanatyodickerson
    robdelaney
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    If I had a helicopter 1) I would paint it like a seagull 2) it would have a special door on it to drop garbage bags of milk out of it.

    • 245
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    annachofletlaurenpark15ipsofuctosirchadwycketweetmyculoofffrancestacardonkatexolawsonVonPickles
    • 128
    • RETWEETS
    whata_scummymanAyyyOhhhhNeutrontrilogyJames_CyprusBUTTLORDPRIMUSjwigdufromageburnettski92FeliciaOnFire
    paul_shinn
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    I lined a box with a soft towel and put it in the back yard in case any sort of momma animal wants to have any sort of baby animal in it .

    • 201
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    denzquixgregg_mcCrappy_Face_Picyoyohapaul_shinnllvvzzPhilDarnowskynatalijakae
    • 164
    • RETWEETS
    FionaLundbergwriting_alexisemilybookoutMsKittentrouserkaitlin_balesjesterscrytooJen_OoooOoOoOo____chari_ck
    claysummers
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Tina Fey is pregnant!!! I hope she is pregnant with me and then she will be my mommy!

    • 83
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    Crappy_Face_PickassadrottningseesawfugsawPsquatchllvvzznavanaxthetobbievxlk
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    annaelluamandaduregardironisktvitjeremycaboshayomaster11____wattsonianFatty_Magooidkhaa
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Seriously- I am a Doctor Of Love so you should let me touch your wiener with this stick I found in the wood pile. Yes, that is a slug on it.

    • 113
    • FAVS
    scottsimpsonCrappy_Face_Picegyptian_shumbaerkihllvvzzmerrymargaretTHE_REAL_MIKE_Hlaurenricecakes
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    brettwmorrisyo_thanlandnvalvo_stellarironisktvitFembotics__erispieBangbangNikLangTurbeetle
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    I just want all the men out there to know that women don't smile when they put on deodorant.

    • 140
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    SophiesStandUpDevTweetedmbetterpeachesSamanthaKay89BackpackerBooieMaria4TNTJasonBerlinnativebynature
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    NIV7SarshboogieDjoeyUnchainedSeanStalkermissmaynidleameliepunonmynamenylansmith
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Hypothetically, how many raccoons would make a really good raccoon choir? What if I, hypothetically, already had three who sing beautifully?

    • 91
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    Constance_Mw1ReadMyMind1____banjoninjajasonwatkinspdxRachelRockawaymeetartony_hickssMERILSEN
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    FuchsiariusalyssaharadvrubasyddogchvilicekKennyDrake13mikeroll14mechloeenglish5kellycheyennexo
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Remember when the media was treating Jessica Simpson like a meat pig but now she's back to being a sexual hole to pummel? Life is good.

    • 116
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    Gotham_SelinaKghestworkIanKenner_parallelogram_PLyleD0reoSpeedWagonFookThiscodywizz
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    HL_JonesCinnamonfaTheAbyssOfWhoajetneeWilfurd_BrimleyJohnLietteMTZLERcommongrakkle
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    I've double checked and everything is dumb and everybody is stupid.

    • 71
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    nenillasCrappy_Face_PicBooky_McReaderegyptian_shumbaesjhanezLilyBean_16somani_anujKatarinaKriz
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    EricRMurphyesjhanezironisktvitZayneSHalsallkkatnipneedychickSpaceRabb1tspice_creep
  • AliciaATobin
    • 61
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    denzquixRowdyBowdentheonlybortolinxXsafehouseXxjesloyaPelgridgeBryanBaballcamillepauly
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    IngridFaonBryanBaballDennyLiicamillepaulyalexdimmDowellMcMollyerinvanmolMetalNED
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Do they say stuff in naked movies like "Would the genlteman like to see the Frau's undercarriage"? tell me everything? Do they mouth kiss?

    • 77
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    beckerjennyMensHumidoralfredaskeljungllvvzzPhilDarnowskynavanaxvxlk000___000
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    alfredaskeljungironisktvitPhilDarnowskyisaacq_toddjohnsonam_katonhelen_atticusIAmMattLewis
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Let me guess your pets weight by picking them up and burying my face in their neck and crying.

    • 48
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    childwinemaxtaxaInkompetentMuntjackoslovakienangholterkihaBreid14simmerdesigns
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    alantrotterironisktvithallie_goodmanwarrenhbatesnlpassmorebagofcrackersLexiRyannDanielleLagueux
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    man charged w/ 3 sexual assaults that happened over 4 days in Vancouver released on bail "posing no threat to community" #YesAllWomen

    • 42
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  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    If you have a crush on someone, write their name on a slip of paper, roll it up tightly, and put it in your butt.

    • 65
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  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    When you are really close with someone, when there is real trust, and no secrets, you can ask them if they think zombies could really happen

    • 48
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    Crappy_Face_Picrobdelaneyegyptian_shumbaButtBossllvvzzthetobbieMsPicklesbeeSplendiferocity
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    kagzwelldownboy_BurritoBottoms__Becca8790AnnBivolentgussoRgriebechasingcordelia
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    I had poutine for dinner so if i get eaten by a shark tonight & they open his stomach, and then they see me and open my stomach=poutine.

    • 68
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    SummonerShuriBabetteJonesMensHumidorllvvzzthetobbieSoNeurotypicalconfusedlush______rich_himself
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    am_katon
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    I just take pictures of food to make two of my friends, who hate it when people take pictures of food, angry. It's incredibly rewarding .

    • 34
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    denzquixpaul_shinnlovenasiumkattniTrolleyDollyDXBOwenandfinnsmumThatGirlJess82jonnybrammah______
    • 37
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    favstar_popTrolleyDollyDXBOwenandfinnsmumTheBirdIsMinedatsunfreakjosebarbosaolmulekiller______ErinEph
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    Everybody pees, and we are all adults here, so why don't you just grow up and just let me watch you pee?

    • 58
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    M84KellycasskeeleyIAmEmmettHallSophiesStandUpsally_michaelsDJWhitePawDoctorDroughtnataschairj
    • 11
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    SophiesStandUpSonOfBladebuffalowblowcyberrsatanironisktvitdaveshumkaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • AliciaATobin
      Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin

    It's almost impossible not to tell my 11 year old neice that she is very boring.

    • 51
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    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    EliseAriFavstar500FavsExMachinawfulirenescobzevaBartlebeesBaneXtina_MillerBaNaNz1981chey24chey24
@AliciaATobin

@AliciaATobin

I am a comedian. I like animals and snacks.