I lost my best friend to marijuana. He was only 29 when he left for Cheetos and never came back.

I realize that I don't tweet enough, but while you guys are here making jokes about jerking off, some of us are actually out there doing it.

My cat watches me leave for work like a pimp that I owe money.

In my dreams I am standing in front of a Starbucks and slapping the cup out of everyone's hand as they leave.

Today was probably a perfect day. For some asshole.

My bus driver just told me to have a good night. I said ok but I'm not even going to try now because fuck that guy and the world.

“Swag” is something you worry about before you grow up and have to pay for your own sneakers

I just tried to call in sick from the phone on my desk at work.

I just woke up and realized that I am completely powerless. Also, I have no electricity.

Bus drivers must really hate driving to work.

I think my loneliness has depressed the cat. Maybe I'll buy her a friend. This is how it begins.

Getting home drunk is much easier if you close your eyes and pretend that someone else is driving.

My favorite part of modern tragedies is when everyone on the internet becomes a philosopher.

I want you to close your eyes right now and just imagine that I am there, on my knees, begging you to please shut up.

Just watched a homeless woman have a conversation with herself that was more meaningful than any love I can imagine.

Don't ever think you're going to kick my ass AND feel like you've accomplished something.

One day I'm gonna set this couch on fire and just ride it out.

There must be a secret club of people who automatically ask “What?” after everything I say.

If you are still alive, I don't care how your weekend was.

A punctuation mark at the end of a sentence should tell even the dumbest person when to stop. That is all.