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Have to fill out an accident report due to being HOOFED in the FACE by a COW on Wednesday morning. My face is fine now, thanks for asking.
I find you very attractive...when I've been drinking... with my eyes closed.
doesn't matter how much you love someone, every relationship has an expiration date.
@wgladstone Really? My twitter feed tells me most women are slutty and most men like sandwiches. A lot.
Most wonderful compliment I've ever received: "You kiss like your personality"... What?!
For the rest of my life I can now pretentiously say "Oh yes, I've written a novel." I might even get a British accent to match.
Hi. I'm really pretty and can make pizza from scratch. Let me live with you?
Cool. Got three retweets this morning & simultaneously lost three followers. After over a year of Twitter I still have no idea how it works.
Weighed myself before drinking any water when I was hungover and I weighed 5 pounds less than the night before! That's just impressive.
@philseas @noluckwanted @roguegod HA! I favourited this before I even got the joke! Very good!
I can't decide if I'm getting uglier, or I am just becoming more realistic about my looks.
Oh my God I am so unhappy with this chapter. Comedy, okay. Emotion, okay. Romance I am a fucking disaster at. Will need to do more research.
From now on every time I have sex I'm going to play Glad You Came by The Wanted when it's over. Seriously, listen to it. Hilarious.
It's hot and sunny outside, and my body all "What? Better get a stuffy nose!" It's been three years since I felt this hot.
Should spend less time online, more time in bed. Probably means I should start dating again.
Oh God, hearing someone talking on the phone makes me realize how horrendously boring their life is. Wish they'd stop and go away.
Acted helpless and clueless to get a good looking man to help me clear ice off my car. Good work, skirt :-)
Chatted up by a tall, dark, handsome, and smart young dairy farmer. Yup, my ego is back in action!
I turned into a Japanese tourist attraction last night. Not a bad new years, really.
Ag student writing a novel that is likely to remain unpublished due to a crippling fear of rejection. Follow with caution. Clever tweets not guaranteed.
