Medication - because, there's people out there.

None of you women think you're beautiful - and, none of us guys understand that.

Frosting on brownies makes it cake. Don't fuck with me.

I'm so ninja, I didn't even know I was here.

Easy there, Newbie... It's Twitter. None of us are wearing pants.

Not to brag, but I can breathe air all day long without even trying.

Ladies, you can hint all day long. We'll never figure it the fuck out.

I don't think you all appreciate what I don't post.

How bad of a mood must you be in that Arby's is "good mood food"?

Oh wow. I just realized that I am the weird dude at Starbucks who stands there rocking back and forth staring at his phone.

Can I have a lock of your hair? Nothing creepy, I'm just going to sew it into my underwear.

If this rabbit says one more word to me, I'm making stew.

I'm like a ninja - but opposite.

Man, if I had any idea what the fuck you are talking about, I'd show a ton more interest.

Lucky for me, my super power is my ability to turn off my emotions.

Dude, you brought her to Buffalo Wild Wings. Give up on the romance.

Don't tell me "DUCK!" - Sacrifice your ass, and get in the way of whatever is flying at my head.

You know that point you realize that the life you have is less than the life you long for? That.

Conversely, guys - if your girl feels like the prettiest girl on the planet, she'll fuck you like a porn star.

I'm sorry, but if your girl always says "what?" After ever fucking thing you say, you just aren't that important to her.