FYI - officially done with Twitter...

I'm shooting for being late 4 days in a row, tomorrow!

I keep the chicks away by farting.

This chick is so skinny, if she ate a Hersheys Kiss, you'd see the bulge in her stomach.

Wow. This chick was kind of hot, until she started eating her food like a fucking wild animal.

You're new, huh? I'm sorry to tell you that nobody gives a fuck.

Still bitter? Cool. You can stay.

Don't hate me just because my friends are beautiful.

According to a new study, tasting beer makes you want more. No shit, Sherlock.

"Oh, these motherfuckers did it now." - me, watching any movie.

So... Who's going to buy me a European sports car?

This shit would be funnier if I were making most of it up.

I have no idea what I'm watching, but it sucks.

I RT the fuck out of @sarahr_82 because she's funnier than shit!

@sarahr_82 that would totally work.

@tides0ftime yes, you are.

Damn! Look at grandma shaking what Noah's daughter gave her.

I'm always kind of a big deal at the midget convention.

The Rangers are pissing me off!

Oh, you know. Sitting here talking to the ladies waiting for our kids to get out of gymnastics. Rough being me.