I never thought I'd be 28, with a son, hollering "Stop saying vagina!" and "We don't talk about balls at the grocery store" but here I am.

If you've never smashed your boobs together and made it look like they were a cross eyed cartoon character then neither have I.

My thighs don't rub together when I walk but my boobs do. Just kidding my thighs do too, just wanted to make a big boob joke.

It seems like every time I tweet something with the word FUCK in it I lose followers. All you uptight folks can go fuck yourselves.

I hate when my phone thinks it's sideways.

Girls on TV make having a baby look like torture. I had a baby at 2pm and was home by 630pm entertaining company. Stop acting all dramatic.

Why would Victorias Secret even make fancy bras for A cups? No amount of lace is going to erase the disappointment once it's off.

If you're half naked in your avi don't even pretend to be offended when dudes make remarks. Act like a slut, get treated like one.

I just got called immature on Twitter. I thought I had logged in to Facebook for a second..

I sit Indian style on the toilet. It's comfortable.

Girls who love Jeter also suck terrible dick and only do missionary. Fact.

Soccer makes my vagina sad.

No such thing as 110%. Stop saying that shit, stupid.

I kicked an 82 yr old out of the bar today for saying nigger. I told him it's 2012 and after all these years he hasn't learned tolerance?

I have a hard time believing we can send people to the moon but we still can't fix folks with cross eyes.

Someone at the bar just asked me what our specials were. I said $10 blow jobs. His jaw is still on the floor.

Most of the women you judge on Twitter wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole you slimey fuck.

My sister just described anal sex as "Oktoberfest" and I peed my pants.

Just saw a chick in a mid 90s Explorer with "SPOILED" on her back window. Oh yeah girl, only the best. Got you a keeper!

Magic Johnson looks healthy as fuck. Did we ever find out how much he paid for the cure?