The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked what's wrong is directly proportionate to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming

(whispering): Siri, whose bed am I in?

I'm not fucking stupid. I mean I used to, but we broke up.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

The pill is the second best thing a girl can take orally to avoid pregnancy.

It's not drinking alone if the kids are in the car with you.

To the women buying relationship books: hot sex and blow jobs, food and respect. Maybe a clean house. And anal. Any questions? Your welcome

After sex I always like to have a moment of silence for the potential children that perished on my face.

I might not be smarter than this 5th grader, but I can buy vodka and sleep with his dad.

I thought I had ADD until I realized people just bore the shit out of me.

When star fucking, I am proudly bisexual.

Thinking of getting a tattoo: boxing gloves right over the pussy saying "hit it like a champ".

I was going to do the dishes but my kids are doing fine eating cereal out of wine glasses with plastic knives.

Guys have no clue how long what they say will stay on a girls mind.

When a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she is a slut. But when a guy does it he's just gay.

My boyfriend is playing hard to get. And by "boyfriend" I mean vibrator and by "hard to get" I mean "I seem to have misplaced it."

I set my standards high. Actually I do a lot of things high

The irony of a blow job is though I'm kneeling at your feet, I still have you by the balls.

Life is so much better with a dirty mind.

Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.