We should let the guy who named "platypus" name some more stuff.

Props to zombies for wanting a girl for her brains and not her body.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

If I were a pirate with an eye patch, I'd make my smiley face like this .)

It's not socially acceptable to blow a french kiss at someone, apparently.

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

Don't be fooled by my wallet chain, I'm an amazing surgeon.

After the guy cums all over her face and the camera stops, pornstars immediately start spooning because they're people too.

The dinosaurs died for your freedom.

Shoes are just hard socks.

My new year's resolution is 1080p.

I was gonna buy an Afroman cd, but then I got high.

There's no mirrors in this self checkout?!?

I'd like to replace this speed bump with the guy that invented speed bumps.

"I'm on a boat." - Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

Lesbian sext: Rock, paper, *SCISSORS!*

If Gwen Stefani isn't a hollaback girl, why does her picture come up a million times when I google image search "hollaback girl"?

That awkward moment when your mom is angrily doing the dishes and you sneak another bowl into the pile.

Why can't spiders be an endangered species instead of the panda?!? WHY!!!!???

Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.