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  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    We should let the guy who named "platypus" name some more stuff.

    • 2,577
    • FAVS
    hallebissinJNielssOrgasmsMindtriptgizakkylecoadGarthLevernickrawlsAdamAdamleslie
    • 2,074
    • RETWEETS
    JNielssrealmikebazilefuckcisGarthLeverAdamAdamlesliekaywoj_dreamthievinJinx0_
    MrJakeMorganfred_dogflashembersummerofbennyDanielRCarrilloSteveSuckingtonKyleMcDowell86Swishergirl24llvvzzWilliamRodgersRyncasaurusrzaroscoJaySommerI_Mee_Myself_SteveInevitablepizzajaynowTheMichaelRockBillArrundalebelleahhCM2BTTHDChazballpark
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    Props to zombies for wanting a girl for her brains and not her body.

    • 1,772
    • FAVS
    lexi_spacianodara_moranbrittanyisbogusTwirlUrFaceOffKevinDeanGanderhollybossartSilicaGelBabeTheRealZenit
    • 1,601
    • RETWEETS
    nikkitromo1234dawmaneekDarthMaiden27TwirlUrFaceOffClamIdiotsTaryn_GatesDrew_North1WaggerdyJ
    MrJakeMorganeliserose5LizWhatsherfacewhathaveu1________carlykenDanielRCarrillo1800Randy
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

    • 1,099
    • FAVS
    twntysvndreamthievinzero3_benzTeejayRushlllvvvzzzBwanaChrisravenlovesdmbAliffArshad
    • 711
    • RETWEETS
    orgasnomlllvvvzzzKristinAndrenePOTUSJereechwoaudiblewbuSacrificialLionEviannnnnJosephmisiur
    yassinovic89carlykenpalokinKyleMcDowell86spcycucumber
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    When I arrived at my friend's house, I thought it would be funny to not text him but instead knock on the door like our ancestors did.

    • 998
    • FAVS
    findingmenonojane_botlittlemy__zero3_benzBuzzRolledTeejayRush_r3ginx_toothlessluke
    • 753
    • RETWEETS
    happynoodle93BuzzRolledTeejayRushtylermcjunkin26catcervenyWickedRapunzelejmichaels1brewcitytatgirl
    DanielRCarrillodinokitten
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    "Fuck it." - Guy who named the orange

    • 940
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinjane_botmartusanzero3_benzenragedpaigestacywawa1solo_dustdudsofcreighton
    • 682
    • RETWEETS
    naveeniiumlllvvvzzztheonedeviantivanemojeMiz_Mental_CaseanxiouspiratePurpleCatJewelsonume_
    WilliamRodgersDanielRCarrilloFudgeRobotCelebrityChezKyleMcDowell86
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    It's not socially acceptable to blow a french kiss at someone, apparently.

    • 863
    • FAVS
    jane_botTeejayRushejmichaels1drunkdadpdxmrjohntofufred_dogcuntrystronggal_Lauraaa_xo______
    • 488
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1mictrostartommysavittsilentcrankmrjohntofuLoveLyssa_x3_Lauraaa_xo______iamgurp
    DanielRCarrillodavid8hughesCpin42Billhenry16
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

    • 767
    • FAVS
    jane_botzero3_benzcaddleTalkerbrewcitytatgirlmictrostarseanbradeynovicefathernorthern_trash
    • 486
    • RETWEETS
    bilgladenseanbradeynovicefathernorthern_trashmrjohntofuJay_FrickinLynnIsisdelaVegaRick_IZ
    ilovepie84DanielRCarrillodavid8hughesGreeblehaus
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    There's no mirrors in this self checkout?!?

    • 733
    • FAVS
    twntysvnkylecoadkatie_1002GarthLeverpunmagnatenickrawlskaywoj_pastinalynn
    • 409
    • RETWEETS
    kaywoj_dreamthievinTeejayRushejmichaels1cuntrystronggaliamgurpgordon_gzmechmegmchambers
    LMGinTNClancyyellow__robotMikeMcMikaelson
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    The dinosaurs died for your freedom.

    • 644
    • FAVS
    jane_botlittlemy__zero3_benzherehavemyheartbrewcitytatgirlDSLikesItnovicefathermrjohntofu
    • 416
    • RETWEETS
    tylermcjunkin26E_FillingaHoleUnhingedBlahDSLikesItRideDieOrDoBothPhantasmagoriaxnovicefatherPassiveOverlord
    Cpin42HeyZeus666TheAdamTroutman
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    If I were a pirate with an eye patch, I'd make my smiley face like this .)

    • 671
    • FAVS
    jane_botzero3_benzGeauxSaints79caddleTalkerbrewcitytatgirlmrjohntofufred_dogeveleon_29
    • 383
    • RETWEETS
    tylermcjunkin26caddleTalkermrjohntofuvisceral71cuntrystronggaliamgurpJesKeepSwimmingnaasiraali
    OhhBradd
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    Kanye West can't wait to be the best man at his wedding.

    • 609
    • FAVS
    jane_botlittlemy__zero3_benzPhantasmagoriaxzgbettyJustEnduringmrjohntofucuntrystronggal
    • 423
    • RETWEETS
    chris67leeJustEnduringCourtnieMaeCraymrjohntofuJesKeepSwimmingJay_FrickinLynnONienhuisCheenee
    10InchesPlusWilliamRodgersMrAdamBezDanielRCarrillo
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    Q: What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat?

    A: Kicked outta the petting zoo.

    • 507
    • FAVS
    EPJas2Grind_n_RollfuckcisGarthLevernickrawlssmaccerskaywoj_dreamthievin
    • 390
    • RETWEETS
    rydawwwgGarthLeversmaccersdreamthievinthegudesKingLucHoney_Ryder77RaggleFragglezz
    TheWadestDanielRCarrilloSteveInevitableWilliamRodgersBillhenry16
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    Fuck it, I'm chasing waterfalls.

    • 536
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinjane_botzero3_benztdrattcanadasandrajfrank50Th3ReaLBaLakayobscureReviewer
    • 332
    • RETWEETS
    tdrattjfrank50cuntrystronggalStewyDaBJUSTLisandrabayleereannJay_FrickinLynnurbangypsyblog
    WilliamRodgers101Racey
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    RT @psychtoast: "is that a boner?"

    no ma'am that's a weapon

    "Bullshit"

    a weapon of..

    *lowers shades*

    ASS DESTRUCTION

    *sprints away*

    • 1
    • FAV
    zero3_benz
    • 859
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

    • 540
    • FAVS
    jane_botzero3_benzjfrank50brewcitytatgirlJulieJrushmrjohntofucuntrystronggalOCEzeadi
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    JulieJrushmrjohntofuiamgurpJay_FrickinLynnkaykayrose143Magdalinespearl__GirlPetuniasjam29
    Dong_HangerGroperClevelandHandyJack420
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    I hope I get a warning when I have 20% life left.

    • 491
    • FAVS
    jane_botjfrank50TheWadestJUSTLisandraJay_FrickinLynnJohnDuffy21DThompson49TheAlexNevil
    • 335
    • RETWEETS
    sal_ghoorFaheemMeeriamgurpHispanicIconJay_FrickinLynnTheAlexNevilcllrhaywardcuntrystronggal
    DanielRCarrillojohnnyCul
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    I'd like to replace this speed bump with the guy that invented speed bumps.

    • 503
    • FAVS
    jane_botzero3_benzcaddleTalkerReginitaDbrewcitytatgirlShipInTheKnightzgbettymrjohntofu
    • 276
    • RETWEETS
    Crane_MaidenShipInTheKnightmictrostarseanbradeymrjohntofuiamgurpMaxClyde_uvmtj03
    DJLIWIKZdavid8hughesRyncasaurus
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    "Has anyone seen my dad?" - Waldo's son

    • 402
    • FAVS
    jane_botzero3_benzjfrank50cuntrystronggalOCEzeadiPusha_ThomasTheWadestJUSTLisandra
    • 242
    • RETWEETS
    HispanicIcondwinnaarJay_FrickinLynnkaykayrose143Magdalinespearl__mattwallacePEPoorlawstudentCheesehead_80
    WilliamRodgersSmrtEssanother_lisa
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore, like an idiot.

    • 381
    • FAVS
    jane_botzero3_benzhannayama12caddleTalkerbrewcitytatgirlPetraSlanicHorsecoqisfunnyLBrothersMedia
    • 246
    • RETWEETS
    FaheemMeerJsSmRentonbilgladenaushinLBrothersMediarandomchkkmrjohntofucuntrystronggal
    bornmiserableseanx3
  • AllanCresswell
      Al @AllanCresswell

    *tapes Mom's spaghetti to shirt*

    BEST EMINEM COSTUME, EVER!!!!

    *laughs uncontrollably for days*

    *misses halloween*

    • 332
    • FAVS
    jane_botzero3_benzjfrank50cuntrystronggalBYGHPusha_ThomasJUSTLisandraJay_FrickinLynn
    • 259
    • RETWEETS
    bayleereannJay_FrickinLynnkellybellyy_Colleen_BrownnwilliamsonnierMcTastyBottomsauceweakofficialswagfag
    WilliamRodgers
@AllanCresswell

@AllanCresswell

I failed biology so I dunno how to make a bio???