i would have been a lot cooler if I would have been smoking cigarettes in middle school

I like my men like I like my light bulbs; not too bright but not too dim

I miss having a flip phone. Just for those moments when someone's being a dick, you can slam it the fuck shut. Awesome effect, too.

South Carolina is now banning the word retard. What a bunch of retards.

As lame as it all is, I like my married friends better than the dating ones. They are done trying to impress everyone and make everyone PUKE

I'm packing my knap sack and running away from home. It's not as cool to say when you pay rent

If I could have one superpower, I would like to not have to go to the bathroom anymore.

I've never understood what people in the office bathroom think the tiny sheet of seat cover was saving them from exactly.

I'm kind of envious of the kid who was served booze at Applebee's. He didn't even have to get a fake I.D.

My friend is selling me her iphone next week so everyone get ready for me to be more of an asshole than ever, more often.

Who said you don't learn anything at a bar?

I learned if you punch a burnt out headlight, it will turn back on!!!!!

Arrived alive and before boss got here.. WINNING!!

I like twatter because my negativity gets me cool points. Whereas in real life, people get all butthurt about it

Once I had 2go2 unplanned parenthood 2get the pill cuz it was "against the pharmacist's religion" 2sell it to me. GET A DIFF JOB THEN CUNT!

When you lose followers you know you've begun doing something right. It is more exciting than stars sometimes

Huggies is making denim print diapers?Great. Now rednecks won't feel the need to put pants on their toddlers anymore... Start em young! Yip!

Someone unfollowed who was tweeting about cuntry music. Goodbye forever QUEEF URBAN fan

Congrats to me for not smoking 2 weeks, today. Not many people thought I could do it. (asshats).

Hate how observant people feel entitled to announce EVERY FUCKING THING. You just figured out Blue's Clues!! Do you want a cookie? Fuckoff.

You know how talk radio is really annoying when u just want to listen to music? SO IS YOUR FUCKING SPEAKERPHONE ON THE HIGHEST VOLUME! Stfu!