Dear women: On behalf of the good men, I would like to apologize for the asshole men who abused you or mistreated you. It is not all of us.

"Give it to me hard" - me, ordering a taco

As I carried my half asleep kids to their beds last night and they put their arms around my neck, I thought this is what it's all about.

Wonder if Ashton ever introduced Demi as "the old lady".

Even though I've never met you, I can feel you, smell you and taste you everywhere.

The main thing I've learned on twitter is that there are two barriers to happiness:

1. Marriage
2. Geography

So many things to believe in today. Jesus rose from the dead. A rabbit brings candy to kids. The Catholic church doesn't hide pedophiles.

When that one person you would really like to talk to isn't around....that.....

I wish someone could invent a way for drivers to signal which way they intend to turn.

Trust is like a delicate glass ornament. Handle it wrong and it shatters into a million pieces.

Since we can't test on animals, can we test on really, really dumb people? If it'll help, I've got a list started....

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no ex-wife.

Fucktastic. Fucktabulous. Fucktacular. Fuckalicious. Fuckstatic. Fucknificent. Fuckdiferous. Fuckpendous. Fuckderful. Fucknomenal.

And to think, I shaved my balls for this....

My bed is missing something......you.

Call me judgmental, but if you have a sticker on your pickup saying "Save A Stallion, Ride An Italian", I'm going to think you're an asshole

My mother calling me on my birthday at the exact minute of my birth is fucking annoying...and sleep depriving...and sex dream ruining.

"I don't have to listen to you, you're not my real dad." - teenage Jesus to Joseph, probably

So, twitter flirting, DM sexting, Kik sexting, Skype sex and phone sex aren't cheating, right? Asking for a friend, who is definitely not me

Love is never having to say "sorry I fucked your sister with those vegetables, I didn't realize they were for Christmas dinner."