If you retweet this, I'll come over in my Princess Leia costume...

Just once in my life, I want to tell a prison warden he's being obtuse.

I just can't respect a man that takes the elevator up one flight.

Geraldo says hoodies = murder, Indonesian govt says mini-skirts = rape. I'd wear both in protest, but I would just look like a meth addict.

4:30! Time to load up the stroller with beer, head to the park and hit on all the single dads!

Today I was asked out by a 74 year old man. That took some balls. Old, wrinkly, low-hanging balls.

I like when people tell you they've unfollowed you. Reminds me of the fat kid in 1st grade saying "you're not invited to my birthday party."

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I tweet again?

This year I'm sending Father's Day cards to all my ex boyfriends, just to mess with them.

Kate Capshaw is the Jar Jar Binks of Temple of Doom.

One of Charlie Sheen's "goddesses" is getting a pedicure next to me. I'm holding my breath so as not to catch a Tiger Blood STD.

I told my mom you're all my fans instead of my followers. This makes her feel safer.

Go ahead and call me a racist, but brown rice just tastes better than white rice. There. I said it.

Star Wars in 3D?!?! That and some In-N-Out would be my perfect Valentine's Day.

If men bled out their penis once a month, I'm pretty sure 3-5 days of every month would be considered national holidays.

A friend of mine gave birth to a 9 lb. baby. I'm sending a "My Condolences" card to her vagina.

Most chicks in LA dress up like Malibu Barbie when they work out. Me? More like Unabomber Barbie.

I'm pretty much going to spend the entire day being mad at Stalin.

I have a bet with a friend that no man will star or RT anything with the word tampon in it.

I have ZERO tolerance for bigotry. In real life, and on Twitter. Please think before you tweet.