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My amazing abilities include slapping a snoring man, then pretending I haven't moved when he wakes up confused & angry.
Me: Did you pour your water out?
Me: Why is the table & floor wet?
3yo: I poured my water out.
"I wonder if these leftovers are still good?" will probably be my last words ever.
I hate playing "restaurant" with my daughter. She takes my "order" then says, "you'll eat what I bring" & then throws an empty plate at me.
Ugh. It's so exhausting having to write someone's suicide letter after I push them down the stairs.
If you want to reenact Hitchcock's The Birds, take a sack of McDonald's fries into a Walmart parking lot.
My muscles ache as if I've exercised but I haven't so I guess it's rigor mortis.
Mom in law sent an email that says "wrath of God" on the subject line. So, how's your Saturday going?
It took me 5 minutes to realize I didn't really "have" to be quiet just cuz my kid put her doll down for a nap.
The upstairs neighbors are all giggly and in love. I should go up there with my kid. Five minutes should be enough to ruin their dreams.
I fear indifference far more than the brutal pang of anger or love. Once I'm indifferent, about anything, it's gone.
I'm experiencing a life-altering headache. Waiting for atoms to split so an alien can step out and shed my body.
I've found a new level of cynicism previously thought unachievable.
I was reading this book and it ate my face.
I dreamt I was being attacked by a gigantic dinosaur-sized green ant. It was smiling.
It's never to late to change the course of a HUGE mistake.
Unless of course you're already trapped under something heavy.
Oh, how I laugh heartily at my delusions. Distorted reality is a girl's best friend.
Why does there have to be another Pope?
When someone telling a story pauses to say,"Let's not go there," I'm fine with it cause I haven't left this house in months.
sometimes i write http://favstar.fm/users/AlyssaHarelik