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Started the day with 6 cups of coffee bc I just have way too much to do today. Then I found my cocaine and now I'm sad I wasted the coffee.
I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.
If I can tell you're wearing hair extentions, you're doing it wrong... unless it's a trashy warning sign. In that case, thanks whores!
Ok guy in the car next to me, we can't BOTH text and drive, we'll cause an accident. Fucking jerk. #smh
Never make someone your everything, bc if they leave you'll have nothing. And you probably need all you can get, bc you're obviously stupid.
It's fun and all to be a hopeless romantic, but if you don't grow out of that- you'll always be hopeless. #fact
"Because I was the strongest baby in the world!" My kid talking about large rocks, piñatas, and daisy lollypops. Yeah, I don't know either.
Lady luck is fucking sexy!! #shouldaputaringonit
People love being lied to, they just hate finding out that they've been lied to. #truth
My twitter has been used as a reason to put off certain life matters. I'm very influential.
#EatingClean requires unlearning every recipe your family ever taught you and creating your own healthier alternatives. #thehealthydomestic
For the last time dude, I know she was ugly, but that wasn't anal sex... it was just a regular ol blowjob.
Some people need to just GET THE FUCK OVER IT! Have a beer, dance your balls off, get fat... whatever, just be on with it already
I'm not as mushy as some people think I should be... it's just, I don't like vomit. And you people make me do that enough. #smoochiewoochie
I'm not a home wrecker!! More like a home fixer upper ;)
"Be terribly crazy my darling, I will anticipate you"
Excuses are like assholes... I'll rape you.